House!!!

We done gone and bought a house!
We own a house!
We are quite silly actually. Somehow we know that God will provide though. He does those kinds of things. Still I want to learn to be wise and adventurous and frugal and lavish all at the same time without contradiction.
Life is a never ending adventure.

Frustrated Expectations. Thwarted Plans

"May all your expectations be frustrated. May all your plans be thwarted. May all of your desires be withered into nothingness. That you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God the Father, the Son, and the Spirit."

-A blessing prayed over Henri Nouwen by a friend

This quote has been my signature on my email for quite some time. And I just read it again today as if for the first time. It's more relavent to me then before now that things seem awry...but only in my head. Things are actually quite amazing. We are buying that house we fell in love with!!! We were approved and waiting to close. The problem is I'm struggling with the whole thing because of money. Everything they need from us to make this happen is everything we have. We will have a house, a child, and a mortgage, with no jobs, and no income. Wise? I'm being stretched to trust more then ever. It's not always easy.

So when I read this quote I feel that poverty. I feel totally empty of anything natural to keep us safe. Totally void of a safety net in case more costs should come up. Totally unprepared for raising a child in all of the lackings. And desiring safety and comfort and security... it's not that I'm letting go of them, it's that they aren't there to hold on to, they've whithered away into nothingness.

So now I can dance. I can put myself in God's hands cause I really have no other choice. I can rejoice in the fact that he loves me and I know that he will take care of us. He will provide. He will let my husband see some fruit from his labors. He works so hard and does so much, but never sees a penny for his efforts. Still we can dance and sing and let God be the one we hold on to for safety and comfort and security. What is money afterall? We have each other. And we'll have a little baby blessing! And now we'll have a home to call our own! It's a very exciting and terrifying time. Like dancing in the rain, in a lightning storm, naked.

Pregnant!!!

30 weeks and counting. Time sure flies!

Baskets of Eggs

Life is funny.

One minute your single with the world at your fingertips. The next your married. Happily married.

One minute your enjoying being newly weds. The next your expecting to bring a new person into the world.

One minute your skinny. The next your a whale.

Life is funny.


I've been putting a lot of my eggs in one basket lately. Some of the results on that have come back, and some are still pending.

For example: I am working with a single mom who barely speaks English, has no job and no income, and in dire need of housing. I tried to find her some place to go to help her with housing, since it is definitely not my expertise. But no one was helping her. So I felt I should at least try. I connected with an organization that told me it's waiting list was soon to open up. I put all my eggs (or my clients eggs) in that basket, and the waiting list has still not opened up. My client will be homeless with her 3 month old son in 2 days. Do I take full responsibility for that? Not fully, since she did the same thing... put all her eggs in the basket of ME, knowing that I am inexperience in housing. Still I fail to know what to do, and I'm pretty sure she can find a friend to stay with til the waiting list does open up.

The pending example: We've gone and fallen in love with a house. It's for sale, but we've been waiting on the appraisal for almost 2 weeks now. We put all our eggs in this basket, hoping to make it in time to still be eligible for the first time home buyers tax credit. We have until tomorrow.

Another pending example: We've gone and fallen in love with the idea of buying this house and moving up north with our only hope of income being a business that barely even exists as of now.

We'll see how those scenarios turn out.

For now I strive to survive at work, trying to stay motivated, when my heart is moving more and more each day northward.

Married!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Truest Thing

Once upon a time I was very disillusioned with “love.” I was bitter and resentful of love because in my hurt heart it didn’t really exist and only led to deep pain. But at the same time I longed for a prince to sweep me off my feet and carry me away to peaceful gardens of intimacy and healing and trust and security and comfort and … love. Somehow in my heart I still believed it was possible. But I was getting old, and all my friends were dropping like flies to wedded bliss, leaving me in the dust to rot and fester, alone with my secret impossible wishes and cynical mumblings under my breath after wishing them the best. Not totally alone though, I still had my just-as-single sister to share the “I-want-a-man sighs” with.
Eventually though, I got friends. Good friends. And I was so busy loving and living life with them and seeing God’s love through them that my pathetic thoughts of the awefulness of singleness got forgotten. Life was good.
Then lo and behold! One of those good friends became a great friend. And that great friend became much much more than just a friend. We fell in love! Right when I least expected it!
And now I’m one of those people that I would’ve secretly hated about a year ago!
Sorry sister… I hate to leave you single without me.
Now love has an entirely new meaning to me. And I ponder its wonderfulness quite often. Especially being loved has captured my thoughts. It’s a beautiful thing to love, but it’s in fact quite a miracle to believe and know you are loved.
There are countless poems and songs and musings on LOVING. But where are all the poems and songs and musings on BEING LOVED?
I think it’s something marvelous and healing to come to a place of really accepting another’s love for you. Maybe I think so because I come from a past of severe low self-esteem and low self-worth. To me, coming to a point of allowing someone to really truly love me is such an awesome miracle.
It brings healing and freedom and adventure and life!!
I don’t think I will ever tire of talking about love now. Funny how things change.
A word of wisdom to those who are where I was before, longing to BE loved. NEVER SETTLE. You know when you are even if you try to convince yourself you’re not. As hard as it can be at times, LISTEN to that still small voice telling you how you are worth so much more then what could be settled for.
The only way to begin allowing yourself to BE loved and to believe that you are worth more…. BELIEVE that God truly unconditionally loves you no matter what you do or have done…. HE LOVES YOU AMAZINGLY! I wish that I could tell you how much God loves without sounding even the slightest bit cliché… cause it’s the truest thing there ever was.

Oh Love

I’m getting increasingly unsatisfied with my job as the economy spirals downward and there are no jobs to be found especially for my new American clients who are now facing tougher competition in the job market than ever since I’ve worked here. Not only that but refugee arrivals are low, so I have fewer participants to work with and finding myself twiddling my thumbs quite a bit. But thanks be to God, I am going to part time June 1st! I am so excited about this. And even more exciting is that soon after I will be married!

Just a few months ago I was telling my friends that my goal in life at the time was to get married and work part time. My dreams are coming true! And who else but my best friend to make that happen!

I could go on for ever about how wonderful my fiancé is. I am truly the luckiest girl in the universe. He rocks my world. God is so so good to us. He’s given us the most amazing gift of love. Every day with him gets better and better.

I have learned so much about love and being loved. Letting myself BE loved has been more challenging than loving. I know that if I were where I was two years ago in my journey, this relationship would be a lot different. God has brought me to an awesome place being able to accept God’s love for me. It’s not been easy, but it’s been good. And I know that I know that I know that He loves me. No matter what I do or have done.

Learning to accept God’s love for me is an awesome journey.

Learning to accept Jaron’s love me is its own journey, but similar, and it’s not always been easy either. Just like in my journey of learning God’s love for me, I have moments of doubt and insecurity, working at developing a trust. Drawing on my knowledge of God’s love and trust in Him has been the building blocks of accepting love from Jaron. Without my acceptance of God’s love I know it would be amazingly difficult to accept Jaron’s love. Lies try to creep in reminding me how dark I am and telling me that no one could ever see past the things I’ve done, telling me that I will never be good enough or worth enough. All these things were dealt with when I realized God’s love for me. It seems strange to go through it all again with a person. You’d think I’d be over it. But those dark things have crept back. But I’m finding myself more secure in the possibility of them being forgotten, forgiven and even making me who I am today. And reaffirming reassuring reconfirming the fact that I AM accepted, I am lovely, I am worthwhile, I AM LOVED.

Living Loved changes your life.

It’s so awesome how powerful love is. Knowing the love of God kills the lies and opens me up to a deeper relationship with him. And it’s so cool to experience this human relationship with Jaron because it’s been an illustration of what happened in my heart with God. I have no need to be afraid of my past or afraid of being rejected when I know I am loved. Because Perfect Love casts out fear. And I can say (still with shy confidence) that I KNOW Jaron loves me! And this knowledge opens up a deeper relationship with him.

To be honest, I am still not fully there. Still find it hard at times to entrust my whole heart to someone. Still dealing with past hurts. But I’m not afraid to go there. I’m not afraid to let Love heal me. And He is. The healing I’ve experience since my relationship with Jaron has begun has been incredible. I want to allow myself to be loved by Jaron and unshakably believe that he does. I do not want to be afraid of getting hurt. I know it’s possible for him to hurt me, but that is the risk you take when entrusting your heart to someone.

I used to be afraid of loving Jaron too much or even trusting him, because I don’t want to put him on a pedestal or give him honor that is due to God, and knowing that humans fail and I can’t fully trust them, that only God is trustworthy. But God is revealing to me a proper way of loving Him and others. There is No Fear in Love! I am FREE to love Jaron with my whole heart! I do not need to be afraid of a divided heart. Love is a miracle. I can love God with my whole heart AND love Jaron with my whole heart. True Love is limitless and bottomless! And I know that God lives IN Jaron, and to love Jaron is to love God too (that is not to say that Jaron is God by any means!) And I can trust Jaron, because I trust God! And I know that God has given me Jaron, and I can trust God with my trust of Jaron.

I don’t have to be afraid of putting Jaron above God, or afraid of making sure I put God first.

I Love Jaron

God IS Love. There He is, right between us :)

It’s not about a priority list. It’s about understanding who Love is and having a proper perspective of how it’s even possible to love. If anyone is afraid of putting a person above God it is only because they don’t have a proper perspective of Love. When I truly love someone, it is impossible to dishonor God with that. Because True Love includes wanting the other person to know God’s Love. God commands us to love one another. If there are cases of someone’s “love” for another distracting them from a relationship with God, then I would say they have a misunderstanding of who Love really is and question that persons “love” for the other.

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine and we are His.

I'm Engaged!!

I am so in love.

And he is so in love with me.

And we are going to have the most amazing life together.

I am so excited!