It's Time To Be a Fool

Reminiced nuggets I jotted down in my journal years ago:

The Kingdom is for those that the world finds foolish. (from Dad)

In the Word, the oposite of forgotten is not remembered but is sought after.

"God is determined to love us, bless us, draw us to him. sometimes we get satisfied before God does. We get content with the harem when God intends for us to be the Queen. He did not determine Esther to remain in the Harem. (from One Thing KC)

Lord, I bring you what I have;
from where I stand it doesn't look like much.
A heart that's quickly drawn away, a sometimes hungry
often selfish heart.
But Jesus you live in me
I feel your spirit drawing me away
to where I'll hear you whisper:
Oh to hear you softly speak my name
Your awesome love undoes my shame
You lift me up into your glory cloud
Where cares all melt away
come away my beloved child
let go of lesser things
drink deep of living water
let me refresh your soul
and give you inner strength to stand
and bear my love to those you touch each day
(written by Daddy Dean)

There are many things I don't understand.

What a mystery...

Yet still i will worship Him

For He is God

That's what I was.
This is who I am.
Humility=proper perspective=seeing ourselves how God sees us.
Jesus you are right.
Jesus you are Truth.
You are not a liar.
You are who you said you are.
You did what you said you did.

When you know who I am, then you will represent me.

Lyrics without Music

I wish I could write beautiful and profound words. Instead, I have to steal them from others. I have been listening to Barlow Girl "Another Journal Entry" CD, and just want to mention some lyrics of their poetry from various songs that I find healing and true.





What is this doubt in me

convincing me to fear the unknown

when all along you've shown

your plans are better than my own

and I know I wont make it

if i do this all alone

Someone said "A broken heart

would sting at first

then make you stronger"

you wonder why this pain remains.

Were hearts made whole just to break?

Creator only you take brokenness

and create it into beauty once again

why, why are you still here with me

didn't you see what i've done?

In my shame i want to run and hide myself

but it's here i see the truth

i don't deserve you



but i need you to love me, an i

i won't keep my heart from you this time

and i'll stop this pretending that i can

somehow deserve what i already have

i need you to love me.



i have wasted so much time

pushing you away from me

i just never saw how you could cherish me

cause you're a God who has all things

and still you want me



Your love makes me forget what i have been

Your love makes me see who I really am

Your love makes me forget what I have been

I've had enough of living life for only me

and reaching just for the things

that keep destroying me

so sick of envying the lives of so many i see

somehow believing that they have what i need

my God's enough for me

this world has nothing I need

in this whole life i've seen

My God's enough for me

I can't explain why i suffer thought i live for you

those who deny you they have it better than i do

cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

that in the end only you mean anything

who have i in heaven but you

nothing i desire but you

my heart may fail but not you

you are mine forever

I waited for you today

but you didn't show

i needed you today

so where did you go?

you told me to call

said you'd be there

and though i haven't seen you

are you still there?



i cried out with no reply

and i can't feel you by my side

so I'll hold on to what i know:

you're here and i'm never alone

And though i cannot see you



and I can't explain why

such a deep, deep reassurance

you've placed in my life

we cannot separate

cause you're part of me

and though you're invisible

i'll trust the unseen

Captivating

I started reading "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge. Its funny how God has me pick up certain books at certain times that speak to me exactly what I need to hear at just the right times. More than ever, my heart has been longing for exactly the things they are talking about in this book. It's been hard to put my finger on it, but when I read, there are certain things that pop out and resonate in me, and I have an "ah-ha!" moment. Here's a part in the book that did just that:

I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've met feels it—something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women--whatever that means--life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are the closest to us. We feel unsought--that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain--uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us--whether from a driven culture or a driven church--is try harder.

Every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive.

To know and be known.

Ballancing Act

I should have known that the enemy would attack the first chance he got as soon as I reached this new place with Jesus.

It's taken me a while to figure out the strategy he used. I haven't been this distracted in a long time. Distractions...

These things in themselves are not bad... but my eyes have been so diverted from Jesus, and I've made so little time for him the past couple weeks.

All I want is to know him. I must learn how to ballance. I must learn to set boundaries.

Blue Like Jazz

Just read a facinating chapter in this book by Donald Miller "Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious thoughts on Christian spirituality." The book is very good, and I love the fact that it is so non religious, includes things like drinking beer whiles reading the Bible. Not your typical Christian book. My one critisism so far is the lack of emphasis on the intimate and very near Holy Spirit, and too much thoughts of God as "out there looking down." Anyway, this last chapter that I read has made me think so much. I relate with the author as he talks about his struggle to share his faith. He went to one of the most liberal party colleges in the U.S. and the small group of Christians decided to make a bold move at the biggest party weekends at their school during the times when every one was getting high and drunk. They set up a "confession booth." When people went in, probably as a joke, they would find one of the Christians dressed in monk garb and smoking a pipe. Instead of that person confessing sins as they expected, the Christian would go on to confess his own sins to the unbeliever, apologizing for personally misrepresenting Christ and for all the injustices done in the name of God, etc. Many lives were changed as a result of this act of humilty on the part of the Christians. People went in mocking, and left sober and actually wanting to forgive. I thought, what a powerful testimony. The believers were very nervous about it at the beginning, thinking it might not work etc. But they left feeling relieved, revived and more firm in the faith as they not only were able to appologize for all the pain caused by Christians and individual sins, but they were able to talk about why they were doing that and answer questions about the gospel and why they believe Jesus is who he is.
I long for a moment like that... a breakthrough. That will take what I believe in my heart and turn it into a bold and humble confession and testimony of Jesus. Cuz right now there seems to be some blockage. Open the floodgates Jesus.