Long Lost Me

It's a bummer being without immediate internet access.

So here's a blog.

It won't be long.

Life has been good these days. I'm so busy and do so many fun things with friends. Work is going so well, and I'm doing very well there. Living situation is not bad, although I am dreading the commute to work... but Praises! Sister has decided to come back to MN and live with me. I cannot tell you how excited I am. There are a few things needing prayer for all to go smoothly.

The past year has been so incredibly great. It has its moments of course. But I praise Jesus for giving me freedom, peace, joy, and glimpses of who he is. I get so caught up in my now fast-paced life, though, that its easy to forget him. I hate that. I wish I could remain in the sweet places with Him always.

Balance

I must be a glutton for punishment. It took me 45 minutes to get to work today. I’m trying not to complain too much about the situation I put myself in, but it’s not easy. I have such mixed feelings about the whole moving thing. On one hand I am feeling ok about moving out of my old place. For a while I was sad and feeling like I would miss it, but surprisingly I don’t miss it as much as I anticipated. I am done with cockroaches! The place is really nice and there is so much room. But on the other hand, I can’t stand the commute and don’t understand how people can do that every day. And the place is COLD! I felt my vent last night while shivering in my bedroom, and cold air was coming from it. And we have the thing set at 70! It is NOT 70 in there by any means. There’s something wrong when I can hardly bare to put on my watch in the morning because the metal is too cold.
Honestly, I want to cry. I feel like I’ve made a very foolish decision. I’ve made several the past couple months, and I’m about ready to scream.

This past year for me has been about being real, wanting what’s real, seeking out realness. I prayed so many prayers that God would be more real to me and that he would show me what’s real. I believe he’s begun to answer that. I can see that with that realness, comes rawness. And in that raw realness I’ve begun to pursue freedom from religion (man made religion that is). I’ve learned so much about the freedom we have in Christ, and discovered new depths of “No Condemnation.” But perhaps without wisdom and direction, this kind of knowledge and freedom could lead to …not a road of “shouldn’t”s… but a place outside of God’s perfect will for my life. Perhaps that is what has happened here.

Starting now I’m going to pray for wisdom and direction. Those things have been lost along the way on this search for realness and Spiritual freedom from religious man-made traditions and shoulds and shouldn’ts.

And perhaps God has already begun to answer a prayer for direction in His Word that I read last night:

James 1:26-27

26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Moving... Again

Every time I move it feels like another chapter in the story of my life.

I'm sad. I'm going to miss my little cockroach infested place. I am going to miss living alone. I am going to miss the hardwood floors. I am going to miss being able to decorate it to my taste and not worry about what anyone else thinks. I am going to miss the location. I am going to miss being so close to work. I am going to miss it here.

I'm sad.

What am I doing?

Restoration

Last night I had a dream that I was at a ski hill, ready to pay for my equipment so I could go soar down some hills. I got my wallet, and opened it up to find all my money, credit cards, drivers license... everything was missing. I had been robbed. I was so incredibly upset. I was so upset I woke myself up, and I felt so violated. I almost got out of bed to check to see if my things were still there.

I don't think it was a coincidence I had this dream. I have been feeling spiritually robbed lately. Struggling to grasp the promises of life abundant. I was trippin' after reading Hebrews 11 the other night. To imaging that the famous "Hall of Faith"ers never experienced or received the promises... yet they were commended for their faith. It doesn't seem at all fair, and I don't understand how God could do that to them.

But then comes Hebrews 12... Run with perseverance, Look to Jesus the PIONEER of our faith. Although, I still don't understand why God did not let the Faith Fathers experience the promises I know that Hebrews 12 is meant to encourage. I was particularly encouraged by verse 12, a verse that I must have read many times in my life, but I never really read it til now, "Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees." To me, it's a call to worship and to not be discouraged... despite the Faith Fathers seemingly getting jipped... somehow there's hope in there, and a reason to lift our hands. Still trying to grasp it.

So I finished my painting. It has remnants of the mistake I made on it. It's not perfect. It's not exactly what I want it to look like. Things happened along the way that I didn't plan on or expect. Some things don't make sense about it like the colors or shapes. Some things seem out of place. But somehow it works. I can't seem to want to add or change anything else about it. Usually all the flaws irritate me to no end and I have to see them fixed... but for some reason, it just keeps telling me to leave it be. And it makes me think about life.

I am still sad about moving. I started packing stuff already, and forgot to take pics of my place. So I'm bummed about that. I think I need a good cry.

Must See

YouTube Videos you must see:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MONTPHr7V1w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVJqRLU3J0I

Be Blessed!

Not Very Quite a Masterpiece

dangit. i ruined my painting. its probably the best painting I've ever done. i work on it now and then on days i have to myself, or days i get bailed out on. It's not OF anything really. Just color and lines. A larger, colorfuler, more detailed version of a doodle i would do. I can't seem to capture anything realistic, so I stick to the abstract (is that like my life?) But i ruined it tonight. I'm very quite sad. ... (can i say "very quite"?)

I tried to fix it, but it just got worse. Perhaps I will get bailed out on again (which is very likely if I don't get out of my imaginary world where everyone is good, trustworthy and reliable) and I'll get a revelation on how to make something beautiful out of what I screwed up. I guess that's what God does with me all the time. Perhaps he's trying to teach me a lesson in this.

I've taken pictures of the painting as its evolved. Perhaps someday if its worth looking at I might post the evolution. And perhaps a lesson will be learned by it all, and of that will come its name.

So you get to see my pallet instead... its far more cool to look at right now.

On the Move Yet Again

I guess it must be a good thing when your current landlord says after telling him that you are moving things like, "Sorry to see you go" or "You'll be missed."

He was the first unexpected knock on my door that I've ever had since living here. And I've been over a year now. He came to ask if he could show my apartment to a possible new tenant. He gave me 20 minutes notice! Just long enough to tidy things up a bit.

After he gave the girl the tour (she didn't even look around that much, which kind of surprised me) they went out to discuss details. Mr. Landlord came back later to thank me for being so flexible. He's a good guy, and as far as landlords go, I'm sure he's among the coolest. I told him how I am going to miss this place, and we both chuckled as we spoke of how much character it has. I'm glad he found me to be a good tenant, and I hope he knows that its really only cuz of Jesus that I can be so awesome! ha ha.

Aside from the cockroaches, lack of AC, and the occasional funkymonkey business from the neighbors, I really am going to miss this little place. I've never felt unsafe here. It's so cozy
in the winter. I've had a ton of fun decorating it. It's been all mine. I think that's what's going to be the hardest about having a roommate... is not being totally free to splash Leah stuff all over the walls. It's going to be different. And I suppose its time for a new adventure.

And so I move again. But this time, it's a move further into the American ideals of comfort... garage, fireplace, dishwasher, association that mows the lawn and shovels the drive, whirl pool bath tub. Who the heck do I think I am trying to live it up like this? I best not get too comfortable. I still want to go to Mozambique someday, and I'm pretty sure they have none of that.

Still trying to figure out where I fit. And trying to figure out what kind of person I want putting up with me. But that's besides the point.

Only a couple more weeks to go in this little one bedroom, character-filled, creaky-floored apartment. It served me well.

Story of Success

In my job I have the opportunity to write up "Success Stories" on particularly stellar clients. A success story that I submitted was chosen to be used for a brochure that they are putting together for our agency! Most of it was summarized, and the part in bold was quoted:


Mohamed and Yusuf are brothers who arrived in the United States from Ethiopia in June 2007. They were enrolled with Lifetrack in August 2007. They came with all the barriers common to brand new refugees on American soil, including very limited English, limited transportation and little to no work experience. Still, they were eager to begin working. Their job counselor had them attend a job fair for Little Caesar’s just a week after their enrollment. Their counselor helped them fill out their first job application and they were given a short interview. They were not able to communicate in English with the Little Caesar’s representative, but the recruiter saw something in them that he liked and wanted to give them a chance. They were hired on the spot! The recruiter worked closely with the job counselor and interpreters to help Mohamed and Yusuf understand the job requirements. The Little Caesar’s recruiter went above and beyond to make this opportunity work out for the brothers, and they understood what a unique chance they were being given. They are currently working part time at Little Caesar’s. They are still smiling when they arrive after taking the one-hour bus ride to work from high school where they attend full time. Mohamed and Yusuf work hard with the manager to overcome language barriers through creative ways. Their success can be attributed to their positive attitudes, hard work, and most of all to an employer who saw their value beyond their barriers, and gave them a chance.


I nominated this employer for an award through our agency, and my clients received a gift card. It's great to be able to recognize people for being extra great. And I'm glad I'm in a position to do that.

dot dot dot

I'm having one of those moments of contemplation, but not sure if I should waste the time if I'm not going to come to any conclusions or defining moments.
I rather feel like Paul in Romans 7 today. On second thought, not quite. It's not that I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do, but rather I do what I want to do but probably shouldn't and want to want to do what I should do. But then is there really "shoulds?" If everything is permissable but not everything beneficial, does that take away "shoulds?" Or is the "should" that which is permissable AND beneficial and the shouldn't the permissable but not beneficial?
I feel like I'm to old to be dealing with drama. Drama is for high-schoolers and college kids, right? Is it just a myth that life is supposed to get simpler when you get older? Well, maybe drama never dies, but at least I feel like I should know who I am and what I believe and be able to stick by that. There's that "should" again.
Perhaps I secretly like the drama since it keeps life interesting.

And then there's God. When I take my eyes off myself and back on him, that's when things really clear up and that's where simple comes in. Even though things may still seem hairy, at least I can trust him that he knows how to untagle my mess. He just wants me to love him, and its not about "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" anymore. It's so simple.

" ? "

Someone shared it, and I too must spread the fun.


The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.

Children of Heaven

If you haven't seen THIS FILM, you must. It is an absolute joy to watch. I actually saw it while in China, even though it is an Iranian film. I was recently reminded of it when a coworker began describing this foreign film that she had seen and loved.

I find I'm lately turning into quite the film and book critic. I'm pretty sure my opinions are right on, but I suppose everyone would say that about their own opinions. What I mean is, I think you will find that I am right when I say something is worth your while. That's a pretty confident statement, don't you think? I'm surprised too!

Watch the film.

Jolly Good

I love autumn. The colorful trees, the deep blue sky, the crisp air. The feelings of change. 2007 will be over sooner than we think. I always knew that 2007 would be a good year for me for some reason. And it was. A lot of big things happened. But it's only October, not yet time to reflect on the year. There are still things to come.

Photos compliments of Eva the Beva'.


I haven't told many stories of work lately I believe, so I thought I'd share with you my day. I had a good day at work today. In fact, the day went so wonderfully that I couldn't find it as easy to go home. But truthfully, I was doing more than my job.
The day started as it always does, with me thinking a dose of caffine would help, yet fighting the urge to become a coffee drinker; and scrounging for some edibles in my desk as I didn't have breakfast...again.
After a couple meetings and the usual job stuff I got a call that a client had an interview today! This is always exciting! Infact, I got two calls like that today! For a client to get an interview is a big big thing and almost as exciting as actually getting hired somewhere since it happens that infrequently.
I scheduled time to drive Buja to her interview, so to be sure she would be on time. You gotta love Buja. She is the jolliest Ethiopian woman you will ever meet. I adore her jolly spirit. I can't think of any other word that best describes her... JOLLY. Her English is only so-so, but there's something about Buja and me. I've been working with her for months now and we've really bonded. She trusts me and likes me so much. It's a blast. Even though her English is sketchy, we communicate with eyes and looks and smiles and ... it just works.
So if you can picture Buja, she is around 50 years old, wears a hijab (head covering), she's a bit shorter than me but you know by her frame that she's one tough cookie. When she first meets someone she is shy and looks so scared and unsure, but after a few moments you will find out she has the best sense of humor and loves to laugh at herself. I could go on and on at what a character she is.
So I take her to this interview for a cleaning job, and she is terrified because I told her she would have to be interview on her own without me there with her. Turns out the guy comes over and basically says that she was starting that moment, and never asked her a single interview question. Not only that but he lets me come along to show her the job. This as you might guess makes Buja SOOO much more at ease that I'm with her, and this guy "Butch" is actually glad for it too (when normally my presence usually deters employers as it causes clients to look incompetent). So I'm loving "Butch" for being so cool about it AND of course for hiring my client on the spot, and Buja is happy because I'm there as her security blanket. As lame as the story is becoming due to lack of eloquence, it was the best time. If you ever see her face and hear her smile and watch her make fun of her self in broken English, its hard not to be delighted by her.
I took Buja home (which she is always eternally grateful for not having to ride the bus). She always says, "Thank you, my Sister." She is always calling me her sister, when really I could be her daughter. By the time I drop her off it's already past 5pm (when I usually head home from work), but she invites me into her home. How could I resist. I love this woman. Her apartment is so cute, full of Ethiopian cultural art that she herself made. I commented on how beautiful and uniqe the items were, and she gave me one! It is a dried gourd with colorful beadwork around it and dangling from it... hard to describe, but very cool an unlike anything you've probably ever seen. And ofcourse her and her family shower me with treats and hospitality. She has only herself and her three daughters. I don't know her whole story, but as most cases with refugees I'm sure there is a lot of pain. Yet she laughs and smiles as if there was none of it.
I enjoyed so much chatting with her in her home. And of all the crazy things she tells me, she says that the only thing she'll watch on tv is wrestling. Oh my goodness, I laughed so much. Can you imagine this little old Ethiopian woman loves to watch wresting. What fun. She is such a character.
We exchanged a big Ethiopian hug goodbye (side to side, like the french kind of), and I left feeling so much love for her and so much delight in being able to know her and spend time with her. Of course I am reminded that she is Muslim. And I pray for her. Pray she can use that charisma and contagious laughter and jollyness for the Lord. What can I do but love Buja and pray for her?

Lewis Nuggets

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers or love is Hell.

C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Warning:

Don't read THIS ARTICLE unless you are ready to pray; otherwise there's no reason to expose yourself to the crap (understatement) that goes on in the world.

I have a Congolese client.

These things are happening as you are reading this. It's desturbing and overwhelming. It's too much to wrap your brain and heart around. It's unreal. It's easier to forget about it and go on with our cushy safe lives and pretend that fellow human beings aren't suffering the worst atrocities.

Think of how you might feel towards the criminals and what kind of people they must be. And think also that given the right circumstances, you are not above doing such things yourself... full of sin and darkness without Jesus.

And think about the women and their pain. And if sovereign God didn't place you here in cozy America, you could be among them.

It's a place far away and the brutality and chaos and disregard for the value of human life can easily make us feel superior or even more human then they are.... but they are just as human as us... we are not above such things... save for the GRACE of God and the BLOOD of Jesus.

Pray for them... all of them. The victims and the torturers. They need Jesus SO much.

The Day After

I decided that everything is going to be ok.





I don't have everything figured out. I don't have a clue what's going to happen next. But I decided to believe God when he says he has it under control.

And here's proof:

Here's me looking oh-so-hot in my favorite rubber fishing boots in one of my most beloved places in the entire world... the road to grandma and grandpas house canopied by trees, brilliant with fall colors.

How many people in this world are lucky enough to live in a place like this and have the freedom to walk around wearing ugly rubber boots and go fishing on a monday... I'm guess not too many. Yeah... everything is going to be just fine.

Minimal Reflections

The events of the last couple weeks have been pretty stressful and strange. I haven't allowed myself any reflection time, but have kept myself overly busy. I'm a little afraid of what will happen if I am left alone with my thoughts. In times of solitude I tend to try to avoid reflection by turning on the TV or reading a book. But I can justify the reading part by telling you that the book I'm reading is fantastic. It has messed with my theology so much and led me to look at numerous topics in a whole new light. You must read The Divine Romance.

Do I really want to start a reflection on Grandpa passing away? He's with Jesus now, and I'm jealous. That's all I got for you on that right now.

I am going to tell you the dream I had last night because it was very strange. Could it be the sushi I ate last night? I had a dream that I bought some used hockey sticks at this weird whole-in-the-wall store. I remember testing the strength of the sticks so make sure they could withstand the abuse we give them on the ice. I decided to buy the bundle of them and they were $5 each. I looked around the store some more, and there was rows and rows of fish tank/ aquarium items that I found very facinating. I tried to make my way down the aisles to check them out... the owner of the store suggested I put down the hockey sticks so I don't knock anything over. How thoughtful. Next thing I remember was looking at a bunch of exotic fish in this huge aquarium, and deciding to buy different kinds. Someone might have warned me about dangers of putting certain kinds of fish together, but I was going for how cool the fish looked. Next thing I remember was watching helplessly as one fish, with a scorpion like tail plunged its tail into the body of another cool fish, which I think was my favorite cuz it was so cool... it was black and yellow and had a unique texture. It happened incredibly fast, and I remember exactly how I felt when it happened... I felt helpless, devistated, shocked, disgusted, terrified. It was gruesome and disturbing. I can see the scene in my mind, and it disturbs me even now... like more than it should. Why does it disturb me so much?

Myanmar is in quite a state right now. We have many Burmese-Karen clients, so these events directly affect my job. There were many Karen demonstrating at the capitol last week, and among them were people I see in the office weekly.

My job is going to be changing a lot in the next few weeks. Programs are being added, so coworkers in my program will be transfering to other programs, and 3 new hires will be added to my program to replace them, which means that I will be the "senior" in this program and most experienced! Which means I will be spending a lot of time training new coworkers, and in addition to that I will be supervising a Volunteer. It is going to be a lot more responsibility on my part, and it will make my resume look pretty sharp! To be honest though, I am a little nervous about the changes, and don't find myself to be quite confident enough. But a change will be good. People have been listening to me complain too much about wanting a change, so I guess I'm getting what I asked for... sort of.

I have been struggling a bit financially, so I am getting a bit serious about finding a rooommate and getting a different place in order to save some money. Trying to decided if it would actually save me money. I guess it all depends.

The sun poked out after a long rain... that always makes me happy.

The Prayer of John Milton as he took up his pen to write Paradise Lost

Above all temples
you chiefly prefer
Oh Spirit
The heart upright
and pure.

Instruct me
You who know
For You were present
from the first.

You sat
dove like
With might
and outspread wings
Brooding over the vast abyss
And made
it pregnant.

Oh Spirit
what in me
Is dark
Illumine.

Searching. . .
.
.
.
.

searching for some words to express. . .

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

whatever is going on inside. . .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Looking for even ONE word. . .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

My vocabulary isn't big enough

I told him I would paint him something.
But the canvas is still blank.

Am I too late?

Or is it never too late to keep a promise?

I think I will try.