My life seems to be going very well now... in a worldly sense. I have a great job (just got another raise! PTL!) I just bought a sweet ride, I have the most wonderful close family, I have my own apartment, I have great friends who love me, I have my health, I am in need of nothing.
But, of course, none of these things as great as they are, can fully satisfy my heart, my soul, my spirit. I still long for, like never ceasing hunger deep deep within me... for intimacy with my God. To know him and be known by him. I know I will never be truly satisfied til he wraps me up... can such a thing happen before I die and go to be with him in heaven? I know I can experience him in a real way here and now. I know because of the testimony of others. I hate to be left out of that. I know I've expressed these things before, but it's constantly before me... I can't ignore it. I find myself going through days after days without giving him a moment. I go to sleep thinking, another day has passed, just like the one before... another day same ol' same ol'...how long will it go on like this?
And then I think of traveling... wanting to escape again. Hoping that I might find Him somewhere else since this situation isn't doing it for me... again. But that's not the problem is it? Geography has nothing to do with it. But perhaps a trip can distract me from what I don't have. Running away to find something or running away to forget that I'm looking for something? Well, I'm not going to travel yet for a while, but I do know in my heart that the Lord is not done taking me places. But when I go it will not be out of escape, but out of obedience and with a mission. For now... I will stay here and wait on him to show me where he is and what it is to die to myself daily. So far myself is coming up with plenty of excuses to stay home and watch a movie. Day after day after day after day. Why can't today be the day that isn't like all the others?
When I go to fellowship with others I used to expect more. But now I don't expect as much, cuz nothings happened before. I almost expect nothing, or at the very most that I might be able to see something cool happen with someone else. And I worry that my state of spirit might be interfering with the rest of the group causing the unity to be unbalanced so the great things that might have been aren't able to be due to my presence. See how the enemy likes to discourage and belittle me. But I go anyway. Cuz there's still a glimmer of hope that the Lord might do something with me. That one of these days a wall can collapse and one of these days he might let me into the garden of his presence.
So tonight I go again to another fellowship gathering. Not knowing how to think or feel. To observe the favor poured out on others... observe... that's what I usually do. Observe and not participate. For what is there for me to contribute but this negativity and doubt. That's what I want to change too... I want to be a part... and not just observe. Could tonight be the night of breakthrough? And with a thought like that comes doubt and fear and all that crap.
Who knows. God's bigger then me and all those little voices I hear telling me that every day will be the same for the rest of my life. I have faith that things WILL change. It's just a matter of time before I will know his voice, and I will walk with him, and I will be covered in his authority, and overflow with his love. I know I am his... but there's a difference between just belonging to him and beholding him. And I know I shall...
Painted by Eva Carroll
1 comment:
To my sweet, sweet, vulnerable daughter: Did last night meet your expectatons-either in a good way or the same ol', same ol' way? I know exactly how you feel about being an observer at these things. I have kicked myself so many times for not being an active participant. There are those few times when I have "connected" and it makes such a difference in how alert and good I feel, but I know my feelings are not what it's all about. I know in my heart when we're having a really good meeting because of what God is doing even when I myself haven't participated. I can still feel blessed being there.
It kind of bothers me when you share your deepest longings and failures on your blog as if your blog was your closest most intimate friend. There's all kinds of people who read your blog and I think you should be more careful in just how much you reveaL to the whole world about yourself. I used to journal about my thought life because I needed to express it and yet I didn't have anyone to spill on usually (and I didn't want to burden Dad with the "same ol', same ol' and I didn't a lot of times like what I anticipated he would say anyway!) So I know the need you have to express yourself and I have even encouraged you todo so in the paST, but now your vulnerability is the focal point instead of it being mixed with anecdotes about life in China or your job etc. Tell me or/and your siblings about what's going on in your heart-not those who could very likely not have your best interests at heart and may even have a bias against you. You're too trusting. Is that my own personal fear showing through or is it wise discernment? I'll go ask dad to read this before I send it.
I love you so much and I want to know your heart.
I just had a revelation of why you do it. You are looking for "someone out there" who will respond to what you're saying with a great understanding and have the perfect word of advise or encouragement maybe and can send you in the direction of that place of intimacy with God. There is no end of people who would like to offer their advice, but only the Holy Spirit in you can do the work when your heart is ready.
Tell me what you think of all this, or tell me off - whatever!
Love,
Mom (and dad)
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