Movie worthy

I heard the most beautiful story today, and I wanted to record it so it wasn't forgotten.

There's the cutest Vietnamese woman that works at the same agency as I do. She works at a different location, but I see her occasionally when I do business in Minneapolis or if she does business in St. Paul. Her name is Solange. It's French. She told me her mother is half french. Every time I see her she is always so happy to see me, and always tells me how beautiful she thinks I am. She's so cute. Today is the first day that I've actually gotten to have a real conversation with her. We were eating cake at one of the higher-uppers retirement party. She told me the story of how her and her husband met. It goes something like this...

Vietnam was divided between North and South. The North was occupied by the communists and the South was free. We lived in the South. The South then was taken over by the communists, and they put any man who had worked for the US government in prison. Before I knew him, my husband was one of these men. My uncle was also imprisoned. My uncle was in prison for 5 years, my husband for 7. My husband was married to another at that time, but while he was in prison his wife got married to a communist.
All those years in prison could drive a man crazy. My mother suggested that I write my Uncle letters to encourage him while he was in prison. We were only allowed to visit after the first 2 years, and then only twice a year. I wrote letters to my uncle regularly. I did not know that my uncle would share the letters with this other man.
After their release my Uncle introduced me to the man and the man told me that the letters kept him alive. He asked me to marry him, by I told him I could not marry a man I do no know or love. He said that he knows me from the letters and that he loves me. But I still refused. Later I was in the hospital and this man and my mother took care of me. When I became well, I went to coffee with him and got to know him. My uncle spoke very highly of him, telling me that this was a good man and that I should marry him. I fell in love with him and we were married. We've been married for many years now, we have 4 children and 3 grandchildren.

It's not exactly like she told it, but all the information is there. I wish you could hear her tell her story with her cute accent and ways of saying things and see the way she smiles like a shy school girl when she remembers and hear in more detail the aweful conditions of the prisons and how her letters meant so much to the man she did not yet know. She told me that they made a decision before they married to never argue, and IF they argue to never do so in front of children or others. She said they've only argued TWICE. She explained how pointless it is to get worked up and angry, and the key is to listen and talk things through. She said he is very sweet and takes good care of her.

I don't need the movie-worthy story, I only wish that I might find a sweet man who will take good care of me.

Comfort eh

Update

Hope had a dream. She said that she saw Jesus, and he comforted her. He pointed at me [Leah] and said to her, "you see that girl?"
Then she woke up. She woke up feeling at peace about the situation with her children.
When she told me this dream it was such a confirmation that i am in her life for a reason. Wow! What an amazing dream from the Lord!

I have been checking out how to Sponsor someone from overseas. It's difficult, but God's working.

This Week

So far this week has proved to be a stretcher.
Monday I went out with my small group gals and we passed out flyers for a revival meeting in one of the roughest neighborhoods in St. Paul. We got kicked out of Rainbow Foods!! Haha. Yeah, we should've known they wouldn't like people passing out flyers in their store. But it was fun, and I have't been that out of my comfort zone in a long time. What a trip. Oh, and today I gave one of the flyers to one of my Muslim client.
Tuesday ... tonight... speaking of out of my comfort zone, I auditioned for another show. I thought I did ok considering most of the others were highschool and middle school kids who couldn't keep a tune. It was such a different experience than the other audition where I sang to just the director a song that I picked out and practiced for days. Here they ran through 4 different songs with a large group, told us to come on up one at a time in front of everybody and sing one of the songs that they just "taught" us... but really we only got to hear them a couple times... wild! I ended up singing a song called "Shy".. ha ha. Well, I'm just going for a chorus part. Who knows. But Breinn said if I don't make it I can help out with the set for the other play. Kinda wishing I took that plate part now... oh well.

More Hope

What an interesting last few weeks I've had. I am now part of a really awesome cell group. The other night they shared their vision for this cell group "model." The "Old paradigm" is that cell groups are a program of the church. The "New paradigm" is that cell groups are the church. So far its awesome and Ive been blessed a ton.

The Lord has given me a ton of oportunities to pass the blessings on to others. He's presented me with some intense situations of which He's allowed me to be a part of. The two biggest I will share.

One of my clients from Liberia is facing homelessness, she has a three year old and a disability. I've been working hard to help her. It's not even really my job to do all the things i've helped her with. But no one else is helping her. God given me lots of oportunities to minister to her.

Just today my heart broke at the story my client from Tanzania told me. I've mentioned Hope before. She's a precious lady. What I tell you is real and true. And it's hard to share, cuz who could understand? Never before have I been so close and personal to the hearts and souls of those who truely suffer.

Hope cried as she told me about her niece (13) and nephew (10). Hope's sister and her sister's husband both died of HIV. The kids were living with their grandpa, but grandpa recently died. The kids are not living on their own. They have no one to take care of them, no where to go. The girl said she wanted to take poison to kill herself and give poison to her brother so they can both die. Hope wants so badly to go to Africa to take care of her children. She calls them her own now. Her husband will not permit her to go, so she wants to sponsor them to come to the US, but her husband thinks it's too hard and impossible. I immediately asked Hope if I could pray for her, and we prayed together. I prayed that God would give these kids hope. God, give these kids Hope. It's so prophetic that Hope is named such. I todl her I would do as much as I can to help her in this situation. Please pray for Hope. Please pray for these kids. I'm sure there are millions of kids in a similar situation, but this one is so close to home. I know Hope. I love Hope. I've seen the pain she feels and the desperateness.

I beleive God has put me in these situations to be used by Him. Please pray if nothing else. And if you have any idea how we might be able to unite Hope with her children, please let me know!! Right now I'm just going to look into how sponsorship works and what it might take for the kids to get here. And I'm gonna try to contact the Bakers who have the orphan ministry in Mozambiqe... i know its probably far, but maybe they may know of a way to help.

Thanks for praying.

LIAONING PROVINCE – On March 14, local police arrested 54-year-old house-church leader, Gu Changrong, in Fushun City, Liaoning Province, after she shared her faith with the secretary of the Communist Party in her village. According to China Aid Association (CAA), Yu Mingfu called the police and accused Gu of "poisoning Communist Party members with the Christian message." According to Gu's relatives, she has been sentenced to one-year of re-education through labor for "using evil cult organizations to obstruct the exercising of state laws." The family has not received a formal notice of her sentence since her arrest, according to CAA. Gu is serving her sentence at Ma San Jian Labor Camp, which is known for its harsh treatment and torture against thousands of imprisoned Falun Gong members.
Pray God comforts the families and congregations of the arrested house-church leaders and ask God to encourage the pastors. 2 Corinthians 1:5 -7

Voice of the Martyrs

Prayers for April 10, 2007

Human Rights

"On December 10, 1948, the General Assembly of the United Nations adopted and proclaimed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR). This Declaration guarantees the rights of all people and encompasses a broad spectrum of ecomomic, social, cultural, poitical, and civil rights."

Right to Equality

Freedom from Discrimination

Right to Life, Liberty, and Personal Security

Freedom from Slavery

Freedom from Torture and Degrading Treatment

Rigth to Recognition as a Person before the Law

Right to Equality before the Law

Right to Remedy by Competent Tribunal

Freedom from Arbitrary Arrest and Exile

Right to Fair Public Hearing

Right to be Considered innocent until proven guilty

Freedom from interference with privacy, family, home and correspondence

Right to free movement in and out of the country

Right to Asylum in other countries from persecution

Right to a nationality and the freedom to change nationality

Right to marriage and fmaily

Right to own property

Freedom of belief and religion

Freedom of opinion and information

Right of peaceful assembly and association

Right to participate in government and in free elections

Right to socail security

Right to desireable work and to join trade unions

Right to rest and leisure

Right to adequate living standard

Right to education

Right to participate in the cultural life of community

Right to a social order that articulates this document

Community duties essential to free and full development

Freedom from state or personal interference in the above rights

I think it this Declaration is very interesting considering that the UN is made up of nearly all countries in the world, yet how many of them abide by this... including ours. I think of China and Ethiopia... What's the point of accepting a declaration that you don't intend on following?

I would venture to say that at least 80% of the world has no clue that this Declaration even exists. And even if they did, would it matter? Would it affect the way they are treated? The solution to human rights cannot be a man made declaration. As long as we are human we will never cease to degrade eachother. Oh how we need a savior!

Ethiopia

I learned a lot the other night at the film and panel discussion on Ethiopia. The panel was made up of an attorney from Center for Human Rights, Obang Metho, (an Anuak from Ethiopia who serves as the Director of International Advocacy for the Anuak Justice Council, he is the executive producer of the film we watched) and two other prominent Ethiopian men.

These are some rough notes I took from:

"Betrayal of Democracy--Ethiopia"

Summary of film, Panel
discussion, and Q&A

Film: Documentary on the lack of Human
Rights in Ethiopia. Under the leadership of the Prime minister Zinawe there is
oppression, lack of justice, etc.

One example of an
atrocity that somehow missed national news:

December 13, 2003
The Anuak people massacred by uniformed Ethiopian military. All educated
Anuak men and boys tortured and killed. They believe its because they live
on oil wells. The atrocity was never investigated. At the time Prime minister
Zinawe claimed that the military was trying to intervene in a civil war. Now he
claims that this even is fiction. The Anuak people are becoming extinct. Many
refugees fled into Sudan. Minnesota has the largest number of Anuak in
the world outside Ethiopia.

2005
Ethiopia held open election.
96% of voting population came to vote. The corrupt regime of Zinawe claimed to
have won and maintained his dictatorship. He then declared all demonstrations,
gatherings, any kind of assembly illegal. Still there were many riots and many
people were killed and imprisoned.

All leaders in opposition to
the government imprisoned. All educated Oromo, journalists, leaders concerned
about the situation all imprisoned. According to one of the panelist the number
of those killed in Ethiopia could fill the metronome 8 times (not sure what time
span this covers or if he meant in all of Africa??)

Many doctors
flee the country due to oppression. When Zinawe was asked about it he said, "we
don't need doctors." This is absurd since thousands are dying of aides, and
other diseases.

Current government is destroying Ethiopia's
economy, creating a state of terror, dividing people groups, creating confusion,
all under the name of democracy. Oromos, Somalis, and other groups discriminated
against. The Ethiopian government has a democratic constitution, but it is not
followed in practice. Zinawe has managed to charm the US and British governments
with his constitution and empty words.

The situation of the Anuak
and Oromos is very similar. Academic freedom denied, civil rights oppressed, no
prisoners receive a trial.

Ethiopian government supports US "War on
Terror" as it distracts the world from the terrors going on in Ethiopia every
day.

Africa is in these kinds of situations due to Mismanagement
and Corrupt leadership. (The panel said they could count the number of GOOD
African leaders on one hand)

The ruling ethnic group is actually a
minority, making up only 7% of Ethiopian population. Oromos make up the largest
ethnic group in Ethiopia (about 40%), still they are treated like a minority and
denied political representation. The government maintains rule by keeping the
population uneducated, denying them of independent press, people are denied
fertilizers, land is suppressed, lots of surveillance, people are kept from
assembling.

We must continue to educate and share the truth. The
truth will set you free. The ethnic groups must unite.

1. Standing
for human rights is a basic human duty. There is nothing unpatriotic about
raising your voice for another country or people group. It is a universal
situation.
2. Don't judge the degree of human violation by the amount of
people killed. Every life matters.
3. We can't eliminate violations of human
rights by standing for only one ethnic group. All must unite and fight together
equally.

Question was asked: Isn't Zinawe a puppet of the US?
The US supports Zinawe. The US can't call the December 13, 2003 even
"genocide" because then they'll have a responsibility to do something about it.
Even a 60 some page report was written on the event and the US did not release
it saying "It's not in US interest to release this document"....they will not
release the report for 25 years.

About the possibility of the US
wanting a share in the oil found on Anuak land "Finding oil on your land is like
finding a tumor in your brain"

Many other questions were asked
about US involvement and support (financially and politically). But the Anuak
man on the panel said, "the US does support the Ethiopian government but we
cannot blame America for our problems; we have do some rethinking..." raise up
GOOD African leaders " If we don't have leaders with a fear of God we will go no
where"

The last comment was made by an Anuak woman in the audience.
People make such a fuss when animals near extinction. But nobody cares that the
Anuak people are becoming extinct. We need to educate people about what's
going on. Raise awareness. We need to value human life and human rights. We
need to take action and communicate with our government representatives.


Come to the seminar/ panel discussion on raising a "new
breed of African leaders" on April 6.

I love to learn about the countries of the people that I'm working with. I've learned so much already. This is just a snippit. I will be going April 6 to the other panel discussion. I'm excited to learn more. It's so much easier to listen and take notes now then in college. I guess I was overwhelmed with classes there, and now I can go to things I want to hear and I'm not required to be there and I'm not paying thousands of dollars for it. Takes the pressure off.

Last week I also attended a seminar on West Africa and learned so much there also. It was quite a busy week. Not only were we going to seminars, but it was also the end of our quarter and we had to reach our goals, AND we were being audited. It was so crazy busy. But the energy and adrenalin of being busy and in a rush made the time go by fast. This week has already been really slow and I'm having a hard time finding things to do! I'd almost rather be crazy busy.

Go Jesus! Go Twins!

Last night I had the privilege of joining Hope Community Church in going to the Twins Home Opener at the Metrodome! It was actually really fun. As you can see the dome was packed out. I've only been to one other Twins game in my life.


I'm can't help but notice things that others may not... these observations, may go unnoticed by most people because they are things we see every day. Going to an even of this magnitude, it's hard for me to not think of it in light of eternity. There's no secret that Sports is a god in this country. Things have not changed much since Bible Times. The gods just look diferent. People gather together to worship their idols. I kid you not, that when the MVPs went up to bat people were literally bowing down and worshiping, giving their praises. I kid you not. If we would only gather together with this amount of energy and excitement and bow down and give our praises to Jesus... how amazingly different this world would be! I imagine in heaven there could be a thousand stadiums like this filled with people cheering in unison at God's awesomeness, even doing a worship wave. Ha ha ha.
I'm homesick for heaven.

Meet...

Meet the new member of my family! I don't have a name for him yet, but maybe you could give me some ideas. He's a pretty one, eh!? He's quite photogenic, in my opinion. I bought some freeze dried blood worms for him today... that's the icky floaties you see in the pics.

It's Him in Me.

Certain events this past week caused me to think about things I've never had to think about before. A friend of mine told me she would have an abortion if she found out she was pregnant. My reaction to this was fierce. I told her in so many words how she can't murder her baby. Almost instinctively, I knew that I would do anything to keep her from doing that. It turned out that she was not pregnant. But that situation made me think a lot. I said to my sibling in an email:

If I could save the baby by adopting it, then that's what I'd do. And I thought
about how having a baby would completely change my life. But I also thought how
in the future i would love to adopt....

i never really thought through those things before. I never faced this kind of situation before, but I am glad that the Lord has put it in me to despise abortion. I was kind of
surprised at my fierce reaction when she mentioned it. I don't normally get
worked up easily. And I wouldn't consider myself a very passionate person. But I
found myself to be passionate about not letting that baby be killed.

Always learning stuff about myself. I wish I had the same kind of
passion about sharing Jesus with others so they can also be saved from their
souls being killed.

There are so many things I do wrong. I just praise God that he put any good in me at all. And I praise God that this Good is Jesus in me.


Work has been crazy the past couple weeks for two reasons. I'll try to explain best I can. First of all the end of our quarter is coming up at the end of the month and we need to meet our placement goals in order to keep our funding. We're working so hard to meet those goals, but people just aren't hiring our clients it seems. It's so hard! So every placement is a great achievement and a cause to celebrate. It's a great feeling when you learn that your client has been hired. Another reaon things are so crazy is cuz next Tuesday we're being audited, so we have to prep all our files, and make sure everything is in order so that we get a good report. It's nuts trying to manage time when you've got hours of file management to do and at the same time try to meet with clients and find a job for them. Yikes. What a ride! So after the end of March hopefully things will calm down a bit.

Hope you are all taking time to close your eyes and think how awesome our God is and Praise him for ... air. yeah. Praise the lord for air and orchids today. Ha!

Orchids

There's nothing like an orchid. All of these are so different, yet they come from the same family. Each is beautiful in it's own way.

Orchids

Orchids

Today I went with my sister-in-law Sally to the Minnesota Arboretum where they had an orchid showing. I love orchids. I love orchids. I love orchids. I want to grow them. Any one have any tips for me?

cliches

I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately. OK, since this morning. I am tired. So tired. There's a lot on my plate right now. But it's going to be ok, right?

Work is good and I'm still happy to be there. But I'm a little discouraged by the lack of placements lately. It's like the oposite of that Bible verse around here.... the labor is few but the workers are many. Today I just wasn't all there and I think I disappointed a few people... that could just be me thinking things that aren't really there though.

I'm still trying to figure the car stuff. It's been a long time coming. And now I have to save up to get it fixed, cuz its got some issues.

I went to Wisconsin over the weekend to visit my good friends. It was a good time.

I'm so talkative right now it's killing me.

Hope

Yesterday I took Hope out applying for jobs at nursing homes. The first one we went to was plush and cozy, all the staffers were very friendly and helpful. They were hiring for housekeeping. The second nursing home was quite different. It was an old high rise. The main room was dark, dank, and unkempt. They weren't hiring for housekeeping but looked like they could sure use it. The people were quite different as well. Not only were the staff rough and cranky, but the residents seemed more so. Hope applied for a dietary aide position there.

As she filled out the application, I observed a very angry, mean resident down the hall talking (or rather shouting) to the nurse. He was unhappy about something and went on about the conditions and treatment of this "home." As the nurse wheeled him to the elevator I'll never forget what he said... "I wish to God that I were dead..."

I've heard people say this kind of thing before. But the way he said it... he meant it. Immediately after those words came from his mouth my spirit sank. My heart broke for this old man. I still can't seem to get him out of my mind.

So if you would now, just say a prayer for this man... that the pain, the ill treatment, the anger, the bitterness... will be replaced with joy, love, and hope, that Jesus will open his eyes to His love and forgiveness and peace, that he'd have a reason to live, and the only reason he would ever wish to depart from this world is to be with Jesus in his heavenly home. He needs Hope. He needs Jesus.

Hope finished filling out the application, and as we got up to leave the man's words were still resonating in my head. Just as I was about to leave feeling the utter hopelessness the man ascribed to this place, an elderly woman gave me the sweetest biggest smile as if the Lord were using her to encourage me that there is HOPE.

Then Hope and I walked out together and went home.

My God

Yesterday was a sad day. It was the last time I met with my sweet Russian client. I am really going to miss Galina. When I told her that I am closing her case and now she can focus on school she was so relieved, and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek! In her very broken English she said something like, "Marina [her daughter] say Leah... goood. I say...my God, thank you I know Leah." I will miss how every time I see her at least once she will look into the sky and open her hands and say "My God"... thank you, or "My God"... help me. Knowing that we both look to the same "My God."

Rubbish

You don't have to read this. It's all my usual blabberings. And here it goes...

Work is going well. I feel very busy always and STILL so amazed I am here and often feel inadequate, but I'm learning SO many invaluable truths, tools, life skills, and useful knowledge. I find I get really attached to my clients and can't help but do more then my job requirements for them. Helping to find housing, helping prepare for a medical terminology quiz, helping with clothing, whatever really. I find myself also taking my work home with me, but not in a bad way. I think about my clients all the time and dream up ways to help them get jobs. I'm thrilled to pieces to help them. The Lord is so great to me. I give him all the glory for allowing me this experience.

You know, I've never had to really really struggle to get where I wanted in life. Somehow the Lord just opens doors for me and all I had to do was walk in. I feel incredibly blessed to have had it pretty easy. I don't expect everything to always be like that. And not every thing has been easy. I'd give up all the other blessings if only I could know Jesus more. I feel like Paul when he counts all those things, as great as they are, as rubbish. And you know how I love my job. It is still rubbish compared to Jesus. I don't know how to express my desire for him, and the frustration to be in this empty place.

We would like to have death and resurrection put together within one hour of each other.

We cannot face the thought that God will keep us aside for so long a time we cannot bear to wait. And of course I cannot tell you how long He will take,

but in principle I think it is quite safe to say this,

that there will be a definite periods when He will keep you there.

It will seem as though nothing is happening

as though everything you valued is slipping from your grasp.

There confronts you a blank wall with no door in it.

Seemingly everyone else is being blessed and used,

while you yourself have been passed by and are losing out.

Lie quiet. All is in darkness, but it is only for a night.

It must indeed be a full night, but that is all.

Afterwards you will find that everything is given back to you in glorious resurrection

and nothing can measure the difference between what was before and what now is!

--Watchman Nee, Normal Christian Life

I've been reading some prayers of mine from last year. While I was in China I found it so difficult to pray, and typing out a letter then reading it out loud was the only way I could express my thoughts to the Lord. Things haven't changed much since then. And the prayers are still very similar. Still, I can safely say that I've grown a little since and know some things now that I didn't know then. Still I want the same thing, and probably always will... more of Him. Still waiting for a resurrection of sorts, waiting for the night to be over, waiting for a door to open, waiting for the "what now is" so the "what was before" can finally be a memory instead of a present reality.

Still Looking Up

I feel so blessed to still love my job. It's such a great thing! Every day brings new challenges. The past couple months have been so slow in placements. There just haven't been any jobs available that our clients can do. Til just last Thursday... we were nearly flooded with openings! It was such a rush trying to call clients and get the hooked up with these openings. We were run so ragged and so busy, but it was a lot of fun. I was so exhasted Friday night. But a good exhasted.

I wish I had more time to read. I have a lot of great books sitting on my shelves collecting dust. I am determined to get through them though. I just started reading "Chasing the Dragon." No, it's not a kung fu story. It's a missionary biography of a British woman, Jackie Pullinger, going alone to Hong Kong in the 70's and making disciples. So far it's amazing and I'm only through the second chapter.

A friend of mine has invited me to the Bible Study he attends, so I am going to check that out tomorrow night. I am excited to meet some fellow believers my age.

It's good to hang with my folks' group, although I do feel more like an outsider and observer. Still I'm very excited for them and can see that the Lord is doing some amazing things among them. You can always tell when the Lord is really moving when there seems to be more attacks from the enemy. The enemy is threatened and wants to wreck the fellowship, but Praise God! God is so good and is equipping and growing and moving.

I was so encouraged to read a testimony of a man who had been imprisoned in Romania for his faith. My spirit was so encouraged and rejoiced at how God turned what the devil meant for evil into awesome good! The devil is such a laughable speck. Oh how my Jesus reigns. It's so so GOOD to see Jesus kicking Satans butt. What a joy to see my Lord so easily flick him away. I can't help but laugh out loud.

I feel like the weekend went too fast, and I'm not quite recovered from last weeks busy-ness. Still, I must go back to work in the morning. So it's off to bed...

A bit of the heart and other stuff

It's almost more then I can handle.

It's only Monday, yet it feels like a Thursday or something. My clients go through so much. I feel so helpless to help them. One quit his job at the meat processing plant because his friend/co-worker was kicked by a cow and died. One is being kicked out of the house and has no place to go, no income, and a three year old boy. She is so frustrated with the struggles of making it as a new American that she actually would rather go back to Liberia where war has torn the county apart and they fear for their lives. Just trying to find jobs for them is hard enough, and they have all these other challenges as well. These people are real. They aren't just a story, they aren't strangers, they aren't lesser... they are flesh and blood, heart and soul... just like you and me. These faces and lives are burned into my memory and heart.

I just finished watching Breakfast at Tiffany's...again. I'm facinated by the way the lost, nameless girl finally lets someone love her.

I'm trying not to let this Valentines buisiness get to me. It was such a silly mess trying to find someone to take with me to the Timberwolves game for which I got 2 free tickets. Why of all days did it have to be on February 14 when all my friends are either going out with their significant other, live far far away, or are guys that I don't want to freak out. It got to be such a silly ordeal that I decided to give the tickets to my co-worker who would appreciate going to a basketball game more then I would anyway. That way I don't have to worry about the whole thing. Instead I think I will go on a "date" with Jesus. Of all people to celebrate love with, why not LOVE himself.

That's that

We had an interesting discussion at work today. Our department went out to eat for some of our birthdays. We talked about differences in our various cultures. Among the 7 of us there's an Ethiopian, Somali, Burmese (Karen minority), Hmong, and then us Scandahoovian Whities. I love the diversity and we learn SO much from each other. Today was focused mainly on weddings and funerals and how various cultures differ in the ceremonies. I was reminded of Nigel's funeral in China. It's still shocking to me and feels like a bad dream I once had.

I was disturbed by what a fellow believer said at work, that they "can't share their faith at work," as if it's against the law. I understand that in this non-religiously affiliated non-profit that works with thousands of people of all kinds of backgrouds and beliefs that employees are told not to proseletize and so be a reflection of the organization. But to make it a rule for life, letting the rules of the organization precede the Holy Spirit's leading... that's disturbing to me. I'd rather be fired for following the Spirit then to please man just to keep my cushy job. I don't want to have the wrong attitude about it. I'll take the heat if it comes. But that's that.

hard

It's been such a busy week. But I do prefer busy to bored. I'm a little frustrated with my clients. I work so much with them to get a job, then finally when a job opens up I either can't get a hold of them or they don't want to do it. It's not every day that someone hires you. They don't realize the absolute value are rarity of being offered a job that is willing to deal their many obstacles like language, education, experience... So it's a big let down when the client is the one to throw all that hard work out the window due to preference or unavailability. Sigh. Then there are those who would be delighted to work ANY job at ANY wage. And there are those who are actually qualified to do certain jobs but never get offers. It's one let down after another. But I have a remain positive and hopeful so I can sincerely encourage my clients to not give up the search. Soemtimes it's so hard!

Treasures

"ETHIOPIA Homes of Christians Burned, Christian Man Killed - VOM SourcesOn January 8, the homes of three Christian families were burned by Muslims in the village of Begge. Even though the family belongings were burnt, no one was injured in the attack. At last report, the police had not yet investigated the incident or taken any action to bring the arsonists to justice. In the same area, 10 Christian youths have been living in a church building in Begge three months after fleeing from their homes. They were chased from their homes after their families threatened to execute them for converting from Islam. In a separate incident, a Christian man was killed by an unknown person in the town of Kofele. The father of five was hit on the head with a metal iron rod. His family believes he was killed by Muslims, since the Kofele area is dominated by Muslims. Pray God will comfort this brother's family in their grief. Ask God to encourage the Christian families who are homeless, so they can have deep assurance of God's love in the midst of tough times. Ephesians 3:14-19"


I get the VOM news letter in my email every month. I read it more closely now because my clients come from these countries... they fled those kinds of things. It makes it so much more real that I know the people personally. It brings it so much closer to home. Amazing.
I've only met a couple professing Christians though. Most of my clients are Muslim.

Yesterday I took my client Ghanalay home. She's from Liberia. I did some reading up on the war going on there. I don't know why she had to have a hip replacement, but according to others who have worked with her before something terrible happened to her in Liberia. She has three year old son with her. The rest of her older children are still in Liberia. She doesn't know if she will ever see them again. She's my age.

All these realities never cease to stun me into appreciation for the life I've been SO graciously given, the family I've been SO blessed to have and KEEP, the oportunities for success and comfort, the CHOICES I'm allowed to make.

I have a few new clients now. What incredible stories will I get to hear next, what treasured lives will I have the privilege to invest in now?

I shall BEHOLD him

Thanks for praying. I haven't had a bad dream for a while. Dad says I should write down my dreams, some may give spiritual insite in the future. I've written a couple down so far as I remember them.

My life seems to be going very well now... in a worldly sense. I have a great job (just got another raise! PTL!) I just bought a sweet ride, I have the most wonderful close family, I have my own apartment, I have great friends who love me, I have my health, I am in need of nothing.

But, of course, none of these things as great as they are, can fully satisfy my heart, my soul, my spirit. I still long for, like never ceasing hunger deep deep within me... for intimacy with my God. To know him and be known by him. I know I will never be truly satisfied til he wraps me up... can such a thing happen before I die and go to be with him in heaven? I know I can experience him in a real way here and now. I know because of the testimony of others. I hate to be left out of that. I know I've expressed these things before, but it's constantly before me... I can't ignore it. I find myself going through days after days without giving him a moment. I go to sleep thinking, another day has passed, just like the one before... another day same ol' same ol'...how long will it go on like this?

And then I think of traveling... wanting to escape again. Hoping that I might find Him somewhere else since this situation isn't doing it for me... again. But that's not the problem is it? Geography has nothing to do with it. But perhaps a trip can distract me from what I don't have. Running away to find something or running away to forget that I'm looking for something? Well, I'm not going to travel yet for a while, but I do know in my heart that the Lord is not done taking me places. But when I go it will not be out of escape, but out of obedience and with a mission. For now... I will stay here and wait on him to show me where he is and what it is to die to myself daily. So far myself is coming up with plenty of excuses to stay home and watch a movie. Day after day after day after day. Why can't today be the day that isn't like all the others?

When I go to fellowship with others I used to expect more. But now I don't expect as much, cuz nothings happened before. I almost expect nothing, or at the very most that I might be able to see something cool happen with someone else. And I worry that my state of spirit might be interfering with the rest of the group causing the unity to be unbalanced so the great things that might have been aren't able to be due to my presence. See how the enemy likes to discourage and belittle me. But I go anyway. Cuz there's still a glimmer of hope that the Lord might do something with me. That one of these days a wall can collapse and one of these days he might let me into the garden of his presence.

So tonight I go again to another fellowship gathering. Not knowing how to think or feel. To observe the favor poured out on others... observe... that's what I usually do. Observe and not participate. For what is there for me to contribute but this negativity and doubt. That's what I want to change too... I want to be a part... and not just observe. Could tonight be the night of breakthrough? And with a thought like that comes doubt and fear and all that crap.

Who knows. God's bigger then me and all those little voices I hear telling me that every day will be the same for the rest of my life. I have faith that things WILL change. It's just a matter of time before I will know his voice, and I will walk with him, and I will be covered in his authority, and overflow with his love. I know I am his... but there's a difference between just belonging to him and beholding him. And I know I shall...

Painted by Eva Carroll

Sleep, or something like it.

A million questions in my head at night. It takes me a long time to fall asleep. But...

The past two nights I've had night mares. The first night was such a terrible dream filled with such terrible wickedness I feel guilty for even having dreamt it, such wickedness it haunted me the rest of the day and made me feel so terrible. It gave me a glimpse at how truly disgusted God is with sin, and why it is he can't be near it and why he turned his back on Jesus when he took all my past present and future sins on himself that terrible day going into the depths to take my punishment and leave those nasties in the depths where they belong. Such wickedness cannot be tollerated.

The last nights dream was terrible in a different way, more terrifying and scary. I woke up in the middle of the night with a stiffness, terrified that if I moved I would be seen by them.

Jesus! Help me!

Christmas vacation was so wonderful. I could play on the ice all day. What fun!
But now it's back to work. It's definitely awesome to be at this job, but nothing beats spending time with family.

A lot on my mind these days. Long for a confidant, one that knows how to pry open these steel walls that gaurd me.

so pretty

It's so pretty!
I can't believe my eyes. I am in shock. literal shock. It seems a little strange maybe that I am so blown away by this little thing of getting a new car, but you have to understand that I have never had anything this nice in my entire life. It is a complete blessing from God and I am unbelievably grateful. God's goodness to me is astounding, and I feel so undeserving. Why does he do stuff like this to me! I wasn't even looking for a car, and he gives me an awesome one. I wasn't even looking for a job and I got one I love! God is so funny. I am floored. This car is his, this job is his! I feel I have no choice but to use these things for his glory. They are sacred because they are so His, and he has entrusted them to me for some reason!?
Last night when I saw the car for the first time and my sister gave me the keys I felt like the luckiest most blessed girl on the planet. I was thinking about it, and realizing that this is probably the kind of feeling I want to have when I get married! Even more so! To feel utterly blessed, giddy, and undeserving to have such a wonderful gift from God! I want to get married with that feeling. I feel like God's favor is wrapping me up, and I just can't figure it out. But I'll take it! And I praise God for he is SOOOOOOOOO worthy.

I get my car tomorrow.

I am sSSSSSOOOOOo excited!

Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait.

I'm tired.

Gettin the Tree

Hmong New Year

Prophetic?

Check it out. I was reading my dream journal from three years ago. Here are some exerpts of dreams I had. What do you think? Prophetic?

April 24
Dreams I was with a bunch of girls in a big mansion...it sort of turned into a grocery store. and these guys were stocking shelves. One guy was stocking toilet paper very high like super high. Then he fell backwards. We knew he was too high to survive that fall. But we all started to pray. I prayed first. It was the most intense prayer deeply deeply powerful, hands streatched out, I remember the intensity and unity of prayer and how we prayed in faith, in earnest, it was a long time. even for dreams, we prayed a long time. And he rose from the dead! Praise the Lord! Yet we weren't surprised, just thankful and worshipful, our faith was so big.

July 19
Dreamed that I got pulled over by a cop and got another ticket. But I wasn't speeding. I looked at the ticket to see what my offense was. It said, "Fear." I got a ticket for fear! I was so mad cuz I was like, what does he think I'm afraid of? I'm not afraid! I'm going to contest protest this! He can't give me a ticket for fear! What the dirt!?


Interesting, eh?

I'm trying to apply for a loan these days so I can get that car. But I've been denied twice already. Grrr. What up?
Trying to beat this cold that's trying to beat me up these days. I'm gonna win. No doubt. Just taking a couple hits in the process.
I best go check on my vegie soup.

Overflowing

I am just overflowing. OVERFLOWING!

How incredibly good God is to me. How dispicably undeserving I am of His riches. Yet he finds it good to bestow blessings on me. I haven't even gotten over the blessing of this job yet, and here come more blessings........!!

Today my boss called me into her office. That never sound like a good thing. But what she said was crazy-awesome. Aparently they had been comparing the sallaries of their employees to other people of the same job in other organizations and felt it neccesary to change my wages according to the wages other people are getting. Which means I get a dollar increase! And that's besides the fact that my 90 day performance review is coming up in January where I will be eligible for another pay raise!!!!!!!

Not only is this INCREDIBLY awesome, but it's just in time, because I just decided to buy a car. How exciting is my life right now. ha ha ha!

My wittle sister Eva's friend is selling his car to go love on orphans in Germany, so she's gonna drive it up for me over Christmas break. What a beautiful God.

Check out the car. It's so cute, eh!?!?

Hope

www.shutterfreaks.com/albums2/Scarves/Hope.jpg

Want me, Lord

Just some thoughts from Scripture. I have more questions then revelations.

"...he alotted the times of their existence and the boundaries of the places where they would live, so that they would search for God and perhaps grope for him and find him--though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being..."

Acts 17:26b-27

Perhaps this means that God was good enough to expand my boundaries into other parts of the world like China. He has increased my boundaries farther then others. Some peoples boundaries are smaller then others, but the Lord knows what is good for each of us.

But what of that next part... that I might search and grope and find GOD. Does this mean that some people don't have to search very hard or very far because he's easily found within their small boundaries, and others have their boundaries expanded where He requires deeper further prolonged groping covering more area, more places to search, more places where he can be hidden. Sometimes I feel that He's so so hard for me to find. The expanse in which I must search is overwhelming.

But what of that next part... he's not far from me. For IN Him I move. IN Him I have being. Maybe my perspective is wrong. Maybe He is the expanse. Because I am in him, He's increased my boundaries IN Him. I have no idea what that means or if it means anything at all. Maybe there's the posibility of some deepness there. But when it all comes down, I just want him to be close. Close enough to know him and touch him. ...He is not far.

I want to sing these words with a knowledge and not just a desire:
"getting lost in the light of your face...here i sit and rest my head up in your arms, to feel your breath and find the beating of your heart."

I can’t even love You unless You call my name
I can’t even worship unless You anoint my heart

I can’t even want to unless You want me first

Come fan the flame.

Getting Lost by Kelanie Gloeckler

What only you can do Misty Edwards

Happy Thanksgiving

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Be thankful for what you have.

PRAISE THE LORD FOR ALL HIS BLESSINGS

Make Up

Some fun stuff at work these days. I got a couple new clients. One is from Belarus. He's a young guy who wants to be a welder, and he's learning English fast. I met with a woman today from Ethiopia. She was a TV reporter there! So she's pretty much famous in Ethiopia and now I get to be her job counselor! She's adorable. She's a year older then me. I asked her a lot of questions about the life over there because her English is excellent and she can communicate the situation better. She's been separated from her husband, and they'd only just recently been married. She said over and over, "the life of a refugee is very hard."
It's so hard to imagine the lives they've lived, and now they are in mine.
I'm so happy I got another job placement. This one for Marina! The Russian girl my age. I had called all the tailor/alteration/sewing shops in Minneapolis and one lady was excited to work with her. Marina has a degree in sewing from Russia. So I'm so stoked about that.
Even though things are going well, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with my case load, getting new clients every day. And getting discouraged with the ones I've been working with for months who haven't been able to land a job. I sense their frustration every time we meet. Especially for Hussein, he's such a trooper, and has had so many interviews... he just isn't getting hired. There are so few in this city who are sympathetic towards new Americans. I vow that if ever I become a business owner that I will create jobs for people such as these, even if temporary. They have it hard enough.
I'm looking foward to turkey day. I missed the holidays last year as I was in China, so now's the time to make up that family time.

True Trust

I had a random memory last night.

I remembered how my siblings and I would fold eachother up in our Hide-a-bed couch. How random is that! It made me think how totally crazy we were as kids and incredibly trusting of eachother. ha ha!!

Blessed Challenge

I have to record this super awesome day at work I had. It is the best feeling to place a client that I have worked with for so long. I first met Khadija the first week I started this job. She was one of my very first clients. So I've been working with her for over three months! She is the quietest person I have ever met in my life. She's only 16 years old which adds to her list of challenges in finding a job. At least she can speak English. It has been fun to spend time with her and have her open up to me. I learned a lot about the Somali/Muslim culture from her.
Last Friday I took Khadija and two other ladies out to apply for a job. The other ladies, Hawa and Naima, are not my clients, but I gave an open invitation to the other job counselors to send their clients my way if they were available. I heard about the job from good ol' Craig's List. A family owned business on Grand Ave. looking for dishwashers. I love working with down to earth small businesses like that. They are so much more real and understanding about the challenges our clients face in coming to this country. It was such a pleasant experience and I was sure that at least one of them would be able to get the job. It took us two hours to fill out the applications due to Hawa not speaking a word of English, and Naima not only having to translate for her, but try to figure out her own application and the writing. For women like these, the ESL classes they've had to take are their first taste of education in their entire lives. So things like reading and writing are huge challenges. And it's a great accomplishment to complete an application. I was expecting a little more of an interview from the owner, but he basically looked over the applications and looked at the girls and said, "Alright, who wants to start tomorrow?" We all looked at eachother like, is he serious? He hired all three of them on the spot, just like that! What a HUGE blessing, and man, I wish it was that easy all the time. It was a beautiful moment. And especially for Khadija. I am so blessed and I know she is too. Being a job counselor is not always an easy thing. It takes a lot of patience. Three months of job searching and 50 applications later. Finally!
I love this job. I love my clients.
And yet another great time with my Russian clients today. I took them to downtown Minneapolis, and this time without their translator. It was a lot of fun spending time with Marina and Galina, and I'm sure they appreciated the practice speaking English. I'm so impressed with their progress. Just a month ago all Galina could say was, Nice to meet you. And now she's understanding so much and communicating so much. and Marina's English is wow. She's my age and I feel this connection with her where I hope we can remain friends for a long time. She's the sweetest! She may have landed this sewing job at a tailor shop.
I'm so blessed, I can hardly find words. Each day is a challenge, and there are things that are so way out of my comfort zone... like having to be professional, and having to make tons of phone calls, and having to deny people bus cards, and struggling to motivate certain people. But I can't help by fall in love with all my clients. They are the coolest. I love working with these people. They teach me so much, and I always always want to aproach them with an attitude of learning from them, but also being able to help them understand the way things work around here. It bothers me when Americans treat new Americans like they are stupid and have an attitude of superiority simply because they speak English and DO know everything about living here. Try living in another country where you don't speak the language and don't understand the culture. It doesn't make you stupid, just out of your element. These people are not stupid. My clients have abundant treasures to teach me and facinating stories to tell and an incredible past that is most times filled with a lot of pain that we could never imagine. I am still so amazed that I am here and that I get to work with these people everyday. Please Please remember to pray for me that the most important treasure is Jesus, and that he is in me and I have this great treasure to share with them as well!
blessings upon blessings.
And some how my car has power steering now. How did that happen? Yeah, I've been driving it for months without. Strange.
I feel a tightening in my chest lately. I'm doing all I can to beat a cold before it gets too the coughing and running nose junk. So I made some homemade vegie soup. And now I'm just rambling.
I meet a new client tomorrow. Yay, what new challenges will this one bring?

Goodness

It's Friday... and the final hours at work. These last ones take f o r e v e r . . .

In a bit I'll be taking some clients out to apply for a dishwashing job. Then it's off to the Nort Country where I'll be staying the night with my sister and her family, then going shopping all day Saturday with Maia. I'm looking foward to spending some quality time with her. It's well overdue.

I'm happy today. God is good.

A Miracle Happened

A miracle happened. That baby with the messed up knee... the knee cap went back all by its self!No one can explain it except that many were praying for her. It's completely normal now. Wow, God!

There's a lot to think about these days. What will become of our recently democratic/liberal majority nation, how do I help one of my clients who can't speak a word of English that's put a restraining order on her own son, how do I manage my income wisely, how is it that day by day by day passes by without a deeper striving for the Lord, how can I build raport with those I see everyday without becoming "of the world."

God is good. I wish I knew him better. I miss you Lord. Show me the depths of your love.

A Look

I posted all the books I want to sell on ebay last night. But I guess more interesting things have happened to me lately. One of which is observing a day in the life of Amy my co-worker. Besides working part time at Lifetrack she's also an on call translator and she's so busy and frazzled. Last night she was up all hours with a woman in labor and had to stick around to translate through all the complications. They had to do a C section. But that's not the worst of it. The baby is totally healthy, but her leg is messed up. I offered to give Amy a ride home after work and she asked if I wanted to go with her to stop in and see the baby. The baby is so precious, but poor thing... the knee cap is on the oposite side of her leg so that her leg does not bend normally, but backwards! It bends up! All the doctors had never seen anything like this before. I saw it myself and felt her little knee cap on the wrong side. They have to bring in a special orthopedic pediatrician. It was the weirdest thing seeing that little baby's leg bend the oposite way.
While we were there Amy got a call about a girl who fell at school so she asked if I'd take her to the children's hospital emergency room. So I did and stayed for a while. I knew that if I stayed too long though the calls would probably never end, so I had to say goodbye. But it was really interesting to see how Amy's life works. She is pretty frazzled, and helps her people in every way she can, but she finds it hard to say no, even when she has reached her limits... like today going on only a couple hours of sleep. She's so tired. But she does what she does well.
We had a little "retreat" at work today. We just basically ate and hung out. We played a little game of just answering questions. I got this one question, "If you could have any job in the world for a week, what would it be?" I really like my job so it was hard to think of anything else really. But I have been so touched recently by the Baker's ministry so I said I want work in an orphanage in Mozambique. Right now I'm happy with what I'm doing. But I still don't see myself here for very long. I still have a desire to go overseas and see the world. I'm still waiting and trusting God for more clarity in my calling and more love and more passion for those that need Jesus!. Jesus is so sweet. Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Learns

I met with Galina's daughter today. Marina was such a sweetheart. I was getting all her previous job experience down so I could make up her resume. She had a plethora of jobs to speak of and she's only a year older then me. She went on and on in Russian about the details of the jobs she's had and finally her interpreter let out a big "Ooooh." Then she explained to me that the reason is because every time that she started speaking about Christ they would find a reason to let her go or request her to quit. Isn't it surreal. I told them I have heard of these things happening in many other countries, but not so much in Russia lately. But they affirmed that the persecution and prejudice against Christians by the Orthodox in Russia is still very much a reality as it probably was during the Soviet Union days. They can't even hold a job in their supposedly free country because they love the Lord. They are grateful to be here, but the interpreter added her own comment that who knows how long that will last even in the States. I love these Russian gals. They encourage me so much with their faith and joy and testimonies.

I wanted to share a couple things that the Lord taught me this weekend through a friend that my folks had over. There were a couple things that really stuck with me and I've been thinking about them a lot.

Faith is a gift. We can't conjure it up or work it into being. I thought of things I've been "trying" to have faith for. I thought of particular moments of praying for healing where I was trying to conjure up the faith to make it happen. And I thought of things where I knew for a fact that I had genuine faith. (I guess the knowing for a fact is exactly what faith is all about). For example, I know for a fact that God is keeping this mole safe. I have this mole on my back and mom prayed over it when I was young and I've never forgotten it and I've never feared that I'd get skin cancer from it. Cause I just know that he's healed me past present future. And I have faith that even though I feel there's something missing spiritually that he's going to feed me, fill me up, and satisfy that emptiness. I wish it were right this moment, but still I just know that it's going to happen.

The other thing is that We are the Salt of the Earth. Salt does not serve to feed or fill you up. It serves to make you thirsty and wanting more. In sharing Christ with others perhaps as salt we serve to get them interested and hungry for more. We don't need to try to fill them up with food they can't handle by giving them the whole picture. They're liable to throw up.

Some interesting thoughts.

I'm so blessed right now. My totally awesome friend gave/lent me some furniture! She made my house a home. I actually have a place to sit in the living room now. And yikes she also threw in a TV and DVD player. So now y'all have to come visit me so you can sit on furniture and watch TV and let me be your hostess. I'll feed you. No charge... I promise. Be my guest. How fun is that!? This is a new thing for me, so as silly as it is, I'm going to enjoy it. Thank the Lord for the simple things in life like a place to rest your bum.

The new Pad

Here's some pics of my new place. nothin fancy as you can see. but its warm and dry and quiet. When you gonna come live with me Kel?

America Bless God

Are you in need of some encouragement today? Well I got some.

I met with my first Russian client yesterday. She doesn't speak a word of English, so her cousin Natasha was translating. Galina was such a sweetheart. She has a daughter my age. I wonder if she thinks it's weird to have me so young as her job counselor. Anyway, we went through all the paper work and I was so encouraged by her answer to the question "what do you want in your life for the future?" She said that she wanted to learn English well enough to get a job in her field as a dermatologist so that she can share Jesus with her patients. She's a Christian. And she was overwhelmingly blessed to hear that I am too! You don't need to speak the same language to share this spiritual connection. She loves the Lord and is passionate about sharing Him with others. I can't wait til she does speak English because God's going to use her as a missionary to this sad country of America. Not that she sees the U.S. that way. She is so happy to be here and loves this country and the freedoms it provides.

Being at this job is helping me to appreciate more and more that I was born here in America. I've heard many stories from my clients of the things they left behind when they came to America as refugees. I can't fathom what they've been through. I'm amazed every day that I get to work with them and help them adjust to this place where they are free. Sure, there are many other challenges they face in coming to live here, but they are nothing compareds to what they've escaped from.

Press In

So I'm finally moved into my new place. It's nothing fabulous, but it's a place to lay my head. I finally got a bed after sleeping on the floor for a week. I still don't have any other furniture tho. It's interesting. I'm not complaining tho. God's been so good to me.

I went to North Carolina for a week with my folks to visit my bro Joe and sis Eva. Good times. Got to hear Heidi and Roland Baker and they had some amazing things to say. They're so free in the spirit and free from religion. It's so refreshing to be in their presence.

We saw Heidi again just last Wednesday in Maplewood, MN at a healing conference. It was cool. So I decided to check out the church where the conference was held this Sunday morning to see what a Sunday morning service was like. It was pretty cool. I went by myself and just enjoyed worshiping the Lord.. I didn't really take the time to meet any one tho. Maybe I'll go again next week and stick around a little bit longer. It still has a religious feel to it, but I decided it's better to be a part of something where people are seeking after God imprefectly then to be a part of nothing and try to seek him completely on my own... I've already figured out that it's really HARD! Why it's so hard, I'll never understand why.

And that leads to what the Lord's been teaching me in big ways these last couple weeks. I realized that I give up really easily. I get frustrated fast and give up when I'm expecting a touch from the Lord and nothing happens... I get mad! I get frustrated, I compare myself to others, I get easily distracted, I get discouraged, and I give up. I just say, forget it, He's ignoring me, doesn't he want me to want him, what am i doing wrong.... yadda yadda... all that stuff. But the last few days expecially I keep hearing the phrases "Press In" "Seek with all your heart" "Persevere" "Reach" PRESS IN. I feel the Lord is telling me to not give up so easily. He wants to know how much I really want Him. How hungry am I? I do want him, but I get discouraged because I feel like finding him shouldn't be so dang hard. But I have to believe not according to my experiences, but according to His Word which is truth that when I seek Him I will find him when I seek him with all my heart. So I'm asking the Lord for more and more hunger. I don't want to give up anymore. He's worth my time and my pressing in.

on the move

Tomorrow I move into my new place. I'm pretty excited to have my own place. Just pray for me if you think of it that I will be safe in the city all by my lonesome. It's a little weird... I felt more safe traveling in China standing alone amongst a see full of black-haired, black-eyed Chinese then I often do here in down town Saint Paul. What's the Deal?

Once I get settled maybe I'll post a picture of my new place for you.

I'm loving my job so much. I STILL feel so so blessed to have this job. The feeling of gratitude and amazement has not left me. I appreciate it so much. I hope I can do it to the best of my ability and improve myself in many ways.

I have a dark confession to tell you though. It's something that I am so so ashamed of. The reason I humbly tell you is to ask for your prayers. Seriously. There is a fear of man that plagues me even in my dreams. It's disturbing me. Do you know what I mean when I say fear of man? I mean that I fail to make use of oportunities to share Jesus. I fail to wear his name boldy and proudly and unashamedly. I fail to open my mouth in his defense. I fail in so many ways to make him known. This is disturbing me so much and I want it to stop. I need to be delivered from this fear of man. I need to die to myself and know the truth that I know in my heart in my head. I am sick of giving into the stifflings of the enemy.

I want to know the authority and character of Jesus Christ and be emerced in that. I want to be baptized, dunked, totally enraptured by hiM.

Thanks for praying this into reality.

Going the Distances

I'll be moving into my new apartment Sept. 30. I'm excited to have my own place. I think it will be fun. Plus it's so close to work. There's so many things to do, which is good because it will keep me busy as I don't have a lot of friends down here and don't have a TV.

I have plenty of other things to keep my busy as well. I'll be in my friend's wedding this weekend. I hope it's not too cold. A million blessings to you Tiff and Joel! Then comes the move. Then I'll be going on a road trip with mom and dad to NCarolina to visit Joey and Eva. That'll filled with events as well. We get to go to some conferences. One to hear Roland and Heidi Baker. Oh my goodness that's going to be awesome. In case you've never heard of them, they have an orphanage in Africa and God is doing AMAZING INCREDIBLE OUTSTANDING FABULOUS UNBELIEVABLE-BELIEVABLE things there. You MUST read their book. You can buy it on half.com. It's called "There's Always Enough." Please read it. It will change your life. The other conference is called Harvest Fest. I'm looking foward to hearing Jason Upton. He's got some really powerful music that truly blesses the Lord's heart. It's going to be good. And ofcourse I'm so looking foward to seeing my siblings.

Then after that its back into the frigid reality of MN to trudge through another winter. I realized that I'm really a fairweather kinda gal. I'm not too thrilled about wearing coats and mittens and blowing my nose more then i already do, and having to warm up the car... all that good stuff. I guess I could handle going snow boarding a few times tho... missed that a lot when i was in China.

Hope you are all well. Drop me a line some time.

I created a Slide Show! Check it out!

Dixon!

I decided kind of last minute to go down to Illinois to visit my lovely friend and ex roomate from college. The ride down wasn't bad even though I was going on little sleep, driving a manual, and no radio in the car! I had a good time singing any worship song that came to mind at the top of my lungs. Kelly is a great host and I'm already having a great time. I'm at the dixon library with her now. She's showing me around their little town. it's really old and cute. lots of history. she lives at her grandmas house as shes in a nursing home now. the house is filled with 80 some years of accumulation of little treasures and lots of stuff. im gonna help her clean up the yard a bit which i don't mind cuz i like the flowers and being out side. we're gonna go to this little art festival in the town square and maybe go garage saling and to a green house. i really want to buy a plant for my office. it's nice to get away from the big city for a bit. And it's especially nice to see my Kelly. Last I saw her was when she saw me off the day I left for China over a year ago.

I hope you all have a great Labor day.

I accepted the full time permanent position today! I was debating it for so long. First I was sure I didn't want to do it for fear that I would get too comfortable in a certain lifestyle and forget my desire and heart to go overseas and serve the Lord in bigger ways. But then my mom had a good point. She said if the Lord has really put that in my heart, then as long as I'm seeking him he will keep those things in my heart. I also figured out that I can pay off my loans in the year that I work here! So that's awesome.

It's been a challenging week. I had to learn how to handle a domestic abuse situation, and trying to find jobs for people with zero English, and cultural barriers and transportation barriers. It's so challenging. I learn so much every day. Some times its pretty overwhelming.

I've decided that now that I'm going to be here longer I need to start getting out and doing things and meeting people since I don't really have any friends down here. I would love to take a pottery class, and language classes, and attend some kind of home fellowship/Bible study thing, and get involved in the community somehow and serve with other believers doing some ministry or service. So these are the kinds of things I will be looking out for.

Power Love Sound Mind

I have to make another decision. Yikes. I just found out that I have the oportunity to get a permanent position here. The job is great and I really like the people I work with. I feel so blessed to be here. But am I ready to settle? Am I ready for a career? Am I ready to give up being able to up and leave whenever I get the notion? The word "permanent" is kinda freaking me out I think. So this is how I feel right now... unless God makes it very clear that I should keep this job, I am going to keep the plans I had before and move to North Carolina to be with my brother and sister for a while.
It's raining today. It's been hot all week, and of course, the day that we are going to have the company picnic, it rains. Picnic must be somekind of trigger word for Rain in the heavenly places. So yeah, I'm going to the company picnic. Rain or shine. I've gotta stop being anti social. The people here are really nice.
I've got a good song stuck in my head: Power, Love, Sound mind is mine.

God is Good

I just read the coolest article in Catalyst (magazine put out by Minneapolis Foundation). It began with how a Hmong refugee family from Laos settled in St. Paul, but as concerns about crime and safety grew, they decided to move to a rural area. The daughter had been watching "Little House on the Prarie" on TV and learned that Walnut Grove was an actual town in Minnesota. So they decided to move there. They were the town's first Hmong residents..."modern-day settlers." The rest of the story goes like this, "Walnut Grove was a small town struggling to survive. As businesses closed and young families left for metropolitan areas, the town was facing school closures due to its dwindling population. Since their arrival [the Hmong family] started several businesses in town and has helped attract the settlement of new residents. The arrival of Hmong families--now nearly one third of the town's population--has led to a community renewal."
I just thought that was pretty cool.
Well, work is going well, and as you can see I am learning many new things. Today I volunteered to help out with a job fair we hosted and I met some really interesting people. One of which was this guy from Ethiopia, and he was such a character. He reccomended some local Ethiopian restaraunts that I'm anxious to try, and encouraged me to visit Ethiopia someday if I get the chance.
At this place of business they have a peer award they call the Holey Mackeral. It can be given to anyone or by anyone working here at Lifetrack for outstanding work or something like that. Someone gave me a Holey Mackeral today for volunteering! So that's kind of cool I guess!
I'm excited for tomorrow, because I will be taking a client out to apply for jobs around the area. I look foward to getting to know her better. She is SO incredibly shy. Her name is Khadija and she's Somali. How fortunate am I to hang out with people from all over the world every day! God is sooooo good.
He's been working me over a lot lately. It's a constant dying of myself that is so painful, but hugely neccesary. I've done a lot of crying and struggling. But God is good. After the storms are still, calm waters. He's so good.

On the Job

So I started my new job yesterday! So far it's been pretty low key, trying to remember the million things that go into this. I'm still just amazed that I have this job. It's a miracle. I am officially a job counselor for refugees who have been in the US for less than 8 months. How cool is that. I can't wait til I get my first client. It's going to be so interesting.

I feel like I don't get enought sleep though. It takes me over an hour to get to and from work now that I'm living in Chanhassen with my bro and his family. But hopefully soon I will be relocated closer to St. Paul. God's so good to me. I'm just flabbergasted at his faithfulness.

He's Too Good

God got me a sweet job. I wasn't even looking for a job! My sister told her old high school friend that I was interested in working with refugees and immigrants (which is what she is currently doing), and asked if she could possibly give me some contacts or some kind of guidance in that regard. She said, well actually we are looking for some one right now! So within about two days I applied, interviewed and got the job!! I will be helping refugees find jobs! I am so excited. There were some other commitments that I had to get out of. I still feel bad about that. But I know that God has really worked this out especially in my favor. I went for the job without knowing what I'd do for a car or where I'd live. But I still went for it and knew that if it was God's doing he'd take care of all that. And he is taking care of it Royally! He loves me too much! After I got the job, I told a few people and randomly my friend who lives in St. Paul said she needed a roommate as soon as possible! God, how could I have ever doubted your goodness? His love is undeniable. Why do I doubt him? Praise the Lord. He is so good to me. He provides Royally even when I have been unfaithful to him. I don't understand his ways. But I humbly rejoice that he loves ME!!
Anyway
I start tomorrow now. I better get some shut eye so I can have a good first day. Just worried about the drive there in the morning. Other then that, I think it will be great.
Tell you all about it.

Etc.

I started working at the Salvation Army Northwoods Camp this week. I’ve spent most of my time there this week. Mom works in the kitchen there, so we can go to a from there with each other. This is their first year of holding summer camp so things are pretty disorganized. It’s only a few miles from our house! I feel a little guilty cause it’s like I’m betraying Grindstone where I’d been a loyal camp counselor for five years! It’s all good. You’ll never guess what position they’ve given me at Northwoods. I’m the camp nurse! It’s so funny. I’m the least qualified person to be the nurse. All the counselors and staff there were required to take a 3 hour first aid course. Now the only person without experience or training is doing the job! All I’m really doing is taking care of the campers’ meds. If anything really serious were to happen there are plenty of people I could ask, including an LPN who’s helping out in the kitchen. The Lord has such a sense of humor to open up this position for me. I’ve yet to see what his purpose in it is.
It’s been good to be home, but sadly I’m quickly forgetting about China almost as if it was simply a dream and not reality. I don’t want to forget it, but I feel so strangely about talking about it. I haven’t talked about it much, cuz I’m asked very few questions about it and I feel like people are tired of hearing about something they could never truly share with me. So I just let it go, and with it go some memories. Sad! I’ve got to get over that and just talk. There’s other things I’ve got to get over. Here comes the part where you learn more about my issues. In China I’m the cool foreigner who can do no wrong, so I feel very comfortable to talk and initiate friendships and be myself. But when I’m around these crazy American’s I shut down. What’s the deal? Jesus, free me from the fear of man! Seriously.
I’ve finally started to be able to breathe lately. Allergies be gone! Since I’ve started to sleep in the tent I wake up without sneezing and going through a box of klenex. It’s awesome. It even rained buckets last night and I slept right through the storm.
I’m enjoying going out into the field with my Dad and Grandpa and watering the baby apple trees. In the next few years I’ll have to learn to start calling it the orchard. There’s about 40 trees out there. And then there’s the raspberries and blueberries to pick. It’s really good for me to be here. I must apologize to all my friends whom I love dearly who haven’t heard much from me since I’ve been home. I just haven’t felt ready to be entirely social quite yet. August is my designated friend month. I am planning a Tour de Amigos. Then in September I am off to start something new in North Carolina.
I admit its been a struggle for me spiritually since I’ve been home. Being so secluded and disconnected from a church body for so long had really dried me out. It’s been so hard for me to keep up with every one here. The first couple weeks home I started to get really angry with God as I compared myself to others and where they were at with the Lord. But He’s slowly getting to me, teaching me that I’m in a different place and it has nothing to do with any one else. And the big picture is, it’s not about me. It’s so elementary, but for where I am right now, it’s like hearing it for the first time and it’s hard. Please pray for me as I press on and let the Lord gently draw me back into fellowship.

Home!

Hey!
I finally made it home after 36 hours of flying, changing planes four times, and layovers. It's good to be home. But I haven't had much time to recover from jet lag so I am still really tired.. I've been really busy every day since the day I got here. And probably will be busy for another week at least. I'm finding it hard to keep up with every one. I'm still so tired and haven't really had time to process what all has happened.
Well, Happy July 4 to you all. I just came in from watchin a great fire works show with my family. My nephews are just now getting old enough to really appreciate it. It was great fun.
It's good to be home, but also really weird. I feel like I've never left. I feel like I've been home all along, but somehow I've downloaded all kinds of new memories. While I was in China it felt like a long time to be away from home. But now that I'm back it felt like no time at all.
I miss my students a lot. And now that I'm no longer with them, I keep thinking of all kinds of things that I should have done or should have done better. I guess there's no use in that.
I look foward to seeing all my friends again. Hopfully this jet lag will fade out really soon. I want to have as much energy as possible as I see every one and prepare for what's next.
For the summer I will live at my parent's home and will work with my mom at the new Salvation Army camp just a few miles from home. So hopefully I can make some cash this summer before I head down to North Carolina.
I can't tell you how grateful I am to all of you who have been praying for me. It touches me deeply. There's not a doubt in my mind that it's because of your prayers that I remained safe and healthy while in China. The Lord that blessed me so much. I am humbled by your faithfulness and ministry. GOD BLESS YOU!

I've had requests to keep this blog going. I will try. You know, being in China was a great expereince and there's no doubt that I needed prayer throughout that time. Now that I am home I humbly ask that you continue to pray for me. There are some battles I face that don't disappear simply by getting on a plane and flying away (although I wish it were that easy). I'm not one to talk about myself very openly, so it's hard when I'm given the oportunity.

It's late and the pillow beckons. Good night wishes to you.