My God

Yesterday was a sad day. It was the last time I met with my sweet Russian client. I am really going to miss Galina. When I told her that I am closing her case and now she can focus on school she was so relieved, and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek! In her very broken English she said something like, "Marina [her daughter] say Leah... goood. I say...my God, thank you I know Leah." I will miss how every time I see her at least once she will look into the sky and open her hands and say "My God"... thank you, or "My God"... help me. Knowing that we both look to the same "My God."

Rubbish

You don't have to read this. It's all my usual blabberings. And here it goes...

Work is going well. I feel very busy always and STILL so amazed I am here and often feel inadequate, but I'm learning SO many invaluable truths, tools, life skills, and useful knowledge. I find I get really attached to my clients and can't help but do more then my job requirements for them. Helping to find housing, helping prepare for a medical terminology quiz, helping with clothing, whatever really. I find myself also taking my work home with me, but not in a bad way. I think about my clients all the time and dream up ways to help them get jobs. I'm thrilled to pieces to help them. The Lord is so great to me. I give him all the glory for allowing me this experience.

You know, I've never had to really really struggle to get where I wanted in life. Somehow the Lord just opens doors for me and all I had to do was walk in. I feel incredibly blessed to have had it pretty easy. I don't expect everything to always be like that. And not every thing has been easy. I'd give up all the other blessings if only I could know Jesus more. I feel like Paul when he counts all those things, as great as they are, as rubbish. And you know how I love my job. It is still rubbish compared to Jesus. I don't know how to express my desire for him, and the frustration to be in this empty place.

We would like to have death and resurrection put together within one hour of each other.

We cannot face the thought that God will keep us aside for so long a time we cannot bear to wait. And of course I cannot tell you how long He will take,

but in principle I think it is quite safe to say this,

that there will be a definite periods when He will keep you there.

It will seem as though nothing is happening

as though everything you valued is slipping from your grasp.

There confronts you a blank wall with no door in it.

Seemingly everyone else is being blessed and used,

while you yourself have been passed by and are losing out.

Lie quiet. All is in darkness, but it is only for a night.

It must indeed be a full night, but that is all.

Afterwards you will find that everything is given back to you in glorious resurrection

and nothing can measure the difference between what was before and what now is!

--Watchman Nee, Normal Christian Life

I've been reading some prayers of mine from last year. While I was in China I found it so difficult to pray, and typing out a letter then reading it out loud was the only way I could express my thoughts to the Lord. Things haven't changed much since then. And the prayers are still very similar. Still, I can safely say that I've grown a little since and know some things now that I didn't know then. Still I want the same thing, and probably always will... more of Him. Still waiting for a resurrection of sorts, waiting for the night to be over, waiting for a door to open, waiting for the "what now is" so the "what was before" can finally be a memory instead of a present reality.

Still Looking Up

I feel so blessed to still love my job. It's such a great thing! Every day brings new challenges. The past couple months have been so slow in placements. There just haven't been any jobs available that our clients can do. Til just last Thursday... we were nearly flooded with openings! It was such a rush trying to call clients and get the hooked up with these openings. We were run so ragged and so busy, but it was a lot of fun. I was so exhasted Friday night. But a good exhasted.

I wish I had more time to read. I have a lot of great books sitting on my shelves collecting dust. I am determined to get through them though. I just started reading "Chasing the Dragon." No, it's not a kung fu story. It's a missionary biography of a British woman, Jackie Pullinger, going alone to Hong Kong in the 70's and making disciples. So far it's amazing and I'm only through the second chapter.

A friend of mine has invited me to the Bible Study he attends, so I am going to check that out tomorrow night. I am excited to meet some fellow believers my age.

It's good to hang with my folks' group, although I do feel more like an outsider and observer. Still I'm very excited for them and can see that the Lord is doing some amazing things among them. You can always tell when the Lord is really moving when there seems to be more attacks from the enemy. The enemy is threatened and wants to wreck the fellowship, but Praise God! God is so good and is equipping and growing and moving.

I was so encouraged to read a testimony of a man who had been imprisoned in Romania for his faith. My spirit was so encouraged and rejoiced at how God turned what the devil meant for evil into awesome good! The devil is such a laughable speck. Oh how my Jesus reigns. It's so so GOOD to see Jesus kicking Satans butt. What a joy to see my Lord so easily flick him away. I can't help but laugh out loud.

I feel like the weekend went too fast, and I'm not quite recovered from last weeks busy-ness. Still, I must go back to work in the morning. So it's off to bed...

A bit of the heart and other stuff

It's almost more then I can handle.

It's only Monday, yet it feels like a Thursday or something. My clients go through so much. I feel so helpless to help them. One quit his job at the meat processing plant because his friend/co-worker was kicked by a cow and died. One is being kicked out of the house and has no place to go, no income, and a three year old boy. She is so frustrated with the struggles of making it as a new American that she actually would rather go back to Liberia where war has torn the county apart and they fear for their lives. Just trying to find jobs for them is hard enough, and they have all these other challenges as well. These people are real. They aren't just a story, they aren't strangers, they aren't lesser... they are flesh and blood, heart and soul... just like you and me. These faces and lives are burned into my memory and heart.

I just finished watching Breakfast at Tiffany's...again. I'm facinated by the way the lost, nameless girl finally lets someone love her.

I'm trying not to let this Valentines buisiness get to me. It was such a silly mess trying to find someone to take with me to the Timberwolves game for which I got 2 free tickets. Why of all days did it have to be on February 14 when all my friends are either going out with their significant other, live far far away, or are guys that I don't want to freak out. It got to be such a silly ordeal that I decided to give the tickets to my co-worker who would appreciate going to a basketball game more then I would anyway. That way I don't have to worry about the whole thing. Instead I think I will go on a "date" with Jesus. Of all people to celebrate love with, why not LOVE himself.

That's that

We had an interesting discussion at work today. Our department went out to eat for some of our birthdays. We talked about differences in our various cultures. Among the 7 of us there's an Ethiopian, Somali, Burmese (Karen minority), Hmong, and then us Scandahoovian Whities. I love the diversity and we learn SO much from each other. Today was focused mainly on weddings and funerals and how various cultures differ in the ceremonies. I was reminded of Nigel's funeral in China. It's still shocking to me and feels like a bad dream I once had.

I was disturbed by what a fellow believer said at work, that they "can't share their faith at work," as if it's against the law. I understand that in this non-religiously affiliated non-profit that works with thousands of people of all kinds of backgrouds and beliefs that employees are told not to proseletize and so be a reflection of the organization. But to make it a rule for life, letting the rules of the organization precede the Holy Spirit's leading... that's disturbing to me. I'd rather be fired for following the Spirit then to please man just to keep my cushy job. I don't want to have the wrong attitude about it. I'll take the heat if it comes. But that's that.

hard

It's been such a busy week. But I do prefer busy to bored. I'm a little frustrated with my clients. I work so much with them to get a job, then finally when a job opens up I either can't get a hold of them or they don't want to do it. It's not every day that someone hires you. They don't realize the absolute value are rarity of being offered a job that is willing to deal their many obstacles like language, education, experience... So it's a big let down when the client is the one to throw all that hard work out the window due to preference or unavailability. Sigh. Then there are those who would be delighted to work ANY job at ANY wage. And there are those who are actually qualified to do certain jobs but never get offers. It's one let down after another. But I have a remain positive and hopeful so I can sincerely encourage my clients to not give up the search. Soemtimes it's so hard!