Rubbish

You don't have to read this. It's all my usual blabberings. And here it goes...

Work is going well. I feel very busy always and STILL so amazed I am here and often feel inadequate, but I'm learning SO many invaluable truths, tools, life skills, and useful knowledge. I find I get really attached to my clients and can't help but do more then my job requirements for them. Helping to find housing, helping prepare for a medical terminology quiz, helping with clothing, whatever really. I find myself also taking my work home with me, but not in a bad way. I think about my clients all the time and dream up ways to help them get jobs. I'm thrilled to pieces to help them. The Lord is so great to me. I give him all the glory for allowing me this experience.

You know, I've never had to really really struggle to get where I wanted in life. Somehow the Lord just opens doors for me and all I had to do was walk in. I feel incredibly blessed to have had it pretty easy. I don't expect everything to always be like that. And not every thing has been easy. I'd give up all the other blessings if only I could know Jesus more. I feel like Paul when he counts all those things, as great as they are, as rubbish. And you know how I love my job. It is still rubbish compared to Jesus. I don't know how to express my desire for him, and the frustration to be in this empty place.

We would like to have death and resurrection put together within one hour of each other.

We cannot face the thought that God will keep us aside for so long a time we cannot bear to wait. And of course I cannot tell you how long He will take,

but in principle I think it is quite safe to say this,

that there will be a definite periods when He will keep you there.

It will seem as though nothing is happening

as though everything you valued is slipping from your grasp.

There confronts you a blank wall with no door in it.

Seemingly everyone else is being blessed and used,

while you yourself have been passed by and are losing out.

Lie quiet. All is in darkness, but it is only for a night.

It must indeed be a full night, but that is all.

Afterwards you will find that everything is given back to you in glorious resurrection

and nothing can measure the difference between what was before and what now is!

--Watchman Nee, Normal Christian Life

I've been reading some prayers of mine from last year. While I was in China I found it so difficult to pray, and typing out a letter then reading it out loud was the only way I could express my thoughts to the Lord. Things haven't changed much since then. And the prayers are still very similar. Still, I can safely say that I've grown a little since and know some things now that I didn't know then. Still I want the same thing, and probably always will... more of Him. Still waiting for a resurrection of sorts, waiting for the night to be over, waiting for a door to open, waiting for the "what now is" so the "what was before" can finally be a memory instead of a present reality.