Frustrated Expectations. Thwarted Plans

"May all your expectations be frustrated. May all your plans be thwarted. May all of your desires be withered into nothingness. That you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God the Father, the Son, and the Spirit."

-A blessing prayed over Henri Nouwen by a friend

This quote has been my signature on my email for quite some time. And I just read it again today as if for the first time. It's more relavent to me then before now that things seem awry...but only in my head. Things are actually quite amazing. We are buying that house we fell in love with!!! We were approved and waiting to close. The problem is I'm struggling with the whole thing because of money. Everything they need from us to make this happen is everything we have. We will have a house, a child, and a mortgage, with no jobs, and no income. Wise? I'm being stretched to trust more then ever. It's not always easy.

So when I read this quote I feel that poverty. I feel totally empty of anything natural to keep us safe. Totally void of a safety net in case more costs should come up. Totally unprepared for raising a child in all of the lackings. And desiring safety and comfort and security... it's not that I'm letting go of them, it's that they aren't there to hold on to, they've whithered away into nothingness.

So now I can dance. I can put myself in God's hands cause I really have no other choice. I can rejoice in the fact that he loves me and I know that he will take care of us. He will provide. He will let my husband see some fruit from his labors. He works so hard and does so much, but never sees a penny for his efforts. Still we can dance and sing and let God be the one we hold on to for safety and comfort and security. What is money afterall? We have each other. And we'll have a little baby blessing! And now we'll have a home to call our own! It's a very exciting and terrifying time. Like dancing in the rain, in a lightning storm, naked.